Wonder Twin Powers...Inebriate!

Words Cannot Describe...

2012-01-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

...what you are about to witness:

My God it's-it's-it's beautiful! I mean FDR cursing like a sailor and fighting werewolf Nazis in a machine gun wheelchair! Now that is impressive! Well seeing as this is also coming out in 2012 , it looks like the new big thing is going to be former US Presidents fighting supernatural monsters. Looks like I better dust off that old script where Teddy Roosevelt is a ghost hunter...

-Astroboy

Let's Get Semi-Serious For A Moment

2012-01-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

You've probably noticed after poking around the internets today that many sites have been protesting the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), along with the Protect IP Act (PIPA) by either going dark or censoring their logos and content.

Both acts could have a huge impact on the Internet as a whole seeing as their current wording mentions that sites could be censored or shutdown due to misappropriation of copyrighted material (or even linking to it!). Obviously this will affect how we view material and how the Internet as a whole shares information. Whether you're looking up who played Mr. Belvedere on Wikipedia, want to have an in depth analysis on your blog about which Beatles album is the best using different songs as proof (FYI it's Revolver) or simply want to watch a video of a cat on a Roomba as Yakety Sax plays in the background. All of that could be in jeopardy...

Anyway take a few minutes to watch the video below to get a more in depth explanation of the situation, do some more independent research (might I suggest this article courtesy of Gizmodo) and depending on how you feel sign the petition here. Then you can get back to watching He-Man dubstep remixes...for now!

-Astroboy

Sad Moments In Comic Book History: Brother Power The Geek

2012-01-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

Brother Power The Geek #1 and #2

By the late 60's most major comic book characters that we know and love today had already been pretty well established. One of those characters was Captain America who was co-created by Joe Simon who also created and wrote Brother Power The Geek in 1968. I probably don't have to tell you that Brother Power didn't last nearly as long as Captain America's legacy. In fact it lasted approximately two whole issues!

The origin of Brother Power is that he was originally an abandoned mannequin in a tailors shop who was stumbled upon by some hippies who put some clothes on him for some reason. Eventually he's struck by lightning and becomes endowed with powers of super speed and strength because that only makes logical sense right? Basically Brother Power was a hippie version of Frankenstein. After his creation he becomes the target of the Psychedelic Circus, which is basically a freak show of people with superpowers...except more groovy. Eventually he escapes and meets a girl who gives him a face and a purpose in that he runs for US Congress. I'm not even kidding in the slightest, that's what happens! Even though he can't break into the establishment he does find a job. However by the end of the second issue he's shot into space by order of governor Ronald Reagan. Which now that I think about seems sort of fitting...

Just to show how high everyone in the 60's was Brother Power wasn't a complete failure. In fact one of the main reasons it got canceled was DC's main concern that it promoted a hippie lifestyle and mainly that readers would participate in drug abuse. Many of the DC staff pretty much openly hated it and eventually pressured the publisher to cancel it. Simon would go on to create the equally amusing Prez in the 70's that focused on a teenage president, but is still well regarded for writing Captain America. Brother Power on the other hand is still floating listlessly in space, trapped in a rocket launched by our 40th President.

-Astroboy

Underrated Albums Vol. 41

2012-01-16T12:00:00.000-08:00

Ruckus Roboticus
Playing With Scratches

Playing With Scratches is a funky turntable mash up of children's records that is also a loose concept album. If that in any way sounds ambitious for a debut album trust me...it is. However the end result is like a giddy deranged episode of Sesame Street that harkens back to such DJ's as Steinski and Kid Koala. It should come as no surprise once listening to Scratches that it took Ohio DJ Ruckus Roboticus 2 years to piece together the sample heavy record. However what is surprising is the relative ease that each track unfolds to create a playfully hip album.

Up top I mentioned it as a loose concept album and the main over arching story is that it focuses on Ruckus Roboticus as a kid genius who uses music to escape the hum drum monotony of grown up life. It starts where we all start with birth on the track Birth of Ruckus that comes early in the album and starts with a conga drum that transforms into straight funk over a old time recording of someone explaining the birds and the bees and where babies come from. In fact much of Playing With Scratches takes many of it's samples with tongue in cheek humor. From the slowed down warning of Never Play With Scratches (originally Never Play With Matches) to the instantly familiar sound of a baby toy that tells what sounds different farm yard animals make on Baby's First Scratch. It's this ability to mix campy with lively beats that make Ruckus shine.

The album also dabbles a bit in throwing more experimental tunes in the mix such as the constantly morphing musical styles of Everlasting Ghettoblasting Gobstopper, the sweet laid back lullaby Bedtime For Sleepyhead, and the ominous jazzy march of Face The Music to name a few. The two stand out tracks in my opinion are the hilarious funk of How To Handle Grownups and the inventively fun swing of A Child's Introduction to Drums. Over the past few years Ruckus has been doing remixes of other artists stuff, but hopefully a followup is in the mix that is as ambitious and vibrant as his debut.

Essential Tracks: The Birth of Ruckus, Baby's First Scratch, Never Play With Scratches, How To Handle Grownups, A Child's Introduction To Drums, Taking Turns, Face The Music

The label that produced Scratches also put out the following video a few years ago which is pretty cool:

-Astroboy

Blast From The Past: The Hobbit

2012-01-11T18:16:00.000-08:00

As a kid I went into various modes of incessantly watching various movies continuously until I moved onto to the next movie to watch over and over again to my utter enjoyment. Usually this would last between a month or two months, though I did watch Labyrinth every day for the better half of about 6 months (which would explain my early love of David Bowie along with my fear of bogs).

Well a couple days ago I was minding my own business derping around online when I stumbled across a clip from the 1977 Rankin/ Bass cartoon version of The Hobbit and suddenly a wave of nostalgia showered over me so hard that it seriously was like getting punched in the face by my childhood. You see as a kid I had a brief infatuation with said cartoon. For one glorious month my folks would get either the Disney channel or HBO for free and this is where I first saw The Hobbit. Eventually I convinced my Dad to tape it, so my 8 or 9 year old self could watch it when our "special offer" expired. In a way I was like Gollum pining after the ring for a month or two. Then I found out that it was a book that I could get at my school library and I spent my entire year of 5th grade checking it out and pouring over the giant green hardcover tome. Instead of the random Boxcar Children, Encyclopedia Brown and Hardy Boys that I usually checked out, it suddenly felt like I had graduated to finally reading an adult book.

And all because of a simple cartoon that I had watched obsessively...

Anyway I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but as soon as I saw that short clip it all came flooding back to me: riding in the barrels down the river, sneaking into Smaug's lair, Gollum in the cave, the goblins singing. Some kind soul was awesome enough to post the entire thing which you can see up top...and seriously made my day!

-Astroboy

Best Of 2011

2012-01-05T17:01:00.000-08:00

Yeah, yeah I'm a tad late cobbling this list together. I personally blame my incessant playing of the game up top. However without further ado here is a list of some of things I enjoyed over the last year. Feel free to let me know what some of your favorites were in the comments if ya want...

Movies:

Drive- Out of the smattering of films that I saw this year, I gotta admit this one took me by surprise. It's slow burn of a plot that ultimately makes the violence that much more explosive and shocking when it occurs. Drive is like a weird hybrid of European art house film, 70's grindhouse movie and film noir with an 80's soundtrack. If all that sounds weird to you, trust me it is! However it was still on my mind long after the credits rolled

The Muppets- I'll admit it, I'm a sucker for pretty much anything Muppets and this was one movie I was pretty excited for in 2011. Sure it may have had a silly plot and corny jokes, but to me it perfectly captured that cheesy feel good Muppet vibe.

Books:

That Is All-John Hodegman- Just got this for Christmas and am already halfway done with it. That Is All is end of his Trilogy of books where he humorously makes up facts. So if you ever wanted a book that explains Wine, Sports, Being a deranged millionaire and what to do when the ancient and unspeakable ones bring Ragnarok upon all of humanity...then this is probably the book for you.

TV:

Game of Thrones- Let me just admit now that I had no idea what Game of Thrones was when I began to watch it. All I knew was that it looked Lords of the Ringish and HBO usually does a great job with story and character development. So consider myself amazed when watching the twists and turns each week only to be left stunned by the season finale. I was so impressed that I read the first four books this summer and you better believe I'm counting down until season 2.

Louie- In a single half hour of Louie comic Louis C.K. can make you laugh, cringe and even think. While the first season was pretty awesome season 2 showed a comedian who wasn't trying to pander to his audience and in the process made a show that can be both complex and utterly juvenile at the same time.

Music:

Rome-Daniele Luppi & Danger Mouse- I was pretty underwhelmed by a lot of what came out this year to tell you the truth. However listening to producer Danger Mouse and composer Daniele Luppi's attempt at recreating music that you would find in spaghetti westerns (they even used many musicians who worked on Sergio Leone films) is interesting moving between somber and beauty in a single track. The inclusion of Jack White and Norah Jones only adds to the ambiance that they've created.

Video Games:

Skyrim- As I've mentioned above for the past two weeks or so I've been playing Skyrim and I feel like I haven't even broken the surface after 8 hours or so. So far I'm a werewolf, have killed a handful of dragons, got my ass beat down by some trolls and witnessed an all out random fight between some mammoths, a giant and a dragon. If you're still questioning the awesomeness go ahead and read the end of that last sentence again. In fact if my posting starts slipping this new year just go ahead and blame Skyrim...

-Astroboy

Christmas Comes A Bit Early

2011-12-19T08:24:00.000-08:00

With only a handful of days left until the big C-mas, some completely awesome individual posted an animated video as a tribute to all the deranged snowmen that were made in the Calvin & Hobbes strips:

If that still didn't get you in the Christmas spirit over at NPR they're streaming a pretty cool Holiday Mix that has some nontraditional holiday songs to enjoy!

Hope everyone has a happy holiday!

-Astroboy

Worst of the Worst: Christmas Movies

2011-12-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

At some point this holiday season you'll hunker down to enjoy a Christmas classic, It's A Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story etc. So consider the following to be the opposite of those. The proverbial bottom of the barrel when it comes to Christmas films (and I use the term "films" loosely):

Santa's Magic Kingdom

Back in the 60's there were a handful of smaller amusement parks that focused on Christmas time, which is where most of Santa's Magic Kingdom takes place. The plot (if you could even call it that) involves Santa teaming up with Merlin, Cinderella, Puss N Boots and the Easter Bunny to fight off an ogre who is never actually seen, since that would probably involve some type of budget. As you can see the combination of awful voice dubbing along with shoddy camera work creates a surreal low budget mess.

Elves

Elves tells the simple holiday tale of a woman who is a virgin and unwittingly becomes part of an evil Nazi experiment that involves bloodthirsty elves who are terrorizing her and a friend so they can create an army of...umm super Nazi elves I guess. After her and a friend are trapped in a department store their only hope is a drunken ex-detective who's a store Santa Claus and together they attempt to fight back against the murderous elves. Then they find the true meaning of Christmas. OK I made that last sentence up...

Santa Claus

This one comes courtesy of Mexico and involves Santa Claus teaming up with Merlin (what's up with old holiday films featuring Merlin?) and trying to successfully deliver toys on Christmas despite the Devil sending one of his minions down to earth to stop him. Did I mention that Santa lives in a castle in the clouds and has things around his workshop that are the stuff of nightmares? Because he totally does!

The Magic Christmas Tree

The Magic Christmas Tree is equal parts terrible and slightly disturbing. It involves a boy who receives a ring from a "happy" witch and uses said ring to make a Christmas tree come to life, which involves the tree "talking" along with granting wishes. One of those wishes involves taking Santa Claus prisoner to discover what Christmas is all about, which I'm pretty sure is not how you get on Santa's nice list.

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Oh, where to begin...so Santa gets his sleigh stuck in Florida and psychically summons some nearby kids who bring animals to aid him. Unfortunately none of that works so Santa tells a long rambling story that really has nothing to do with Christmas and eventually the Ice Cream Bunny comes to his aid in a fire truck. Really the above scene sums up the true campy awfulness that is this film.

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2011-12-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

The 70's were truly a wonderful strange beardy time...

Sooo yeah...that was Wizzard and the lead singer who looked like a mix between Santa Claus, Waldo and Svengoolie is Roy Wood who was also one of the founding members of ELO (he left after their debut album). Apparently they had a few minor hits overseas in the 70's and this holiday song has become somewhat of a staple in England. However their unique brand of glam-jazz-rock only lasted two albums.

I'm also quite certain that some of those children had everlasting traumatic scars left on their psyche after joining a freaky Santa Claus on stage...

-Astroboy

The Opposite of Christmas Cheer

2011-12-13T10:24:00.000-08:00

Every year around this time an artist trots out some updated rendition of a holiday classic that's the musical equivalent of a lump of coal. Well this year is no different, behold the one and only Justin Bieber in all his strange steampunk/Christmas glory:

What We Learned:

-Santa's workshop resembles an industrial factory straight out of a C+C Music Factory video

-Apparently the latest holiday fashion trend is to wear some sort of Power Glove gauntlet on one hand

-Most of Santa's elves pop and lock while making presents

-Justin Bieber can play drums

-Apparently "This is that time of year when you let all your problems go". Wise words indeed...

-"Shake it, Shake it Baby..." still doesn't make Santa Claus Is Coming To Town any sexier

There's also another version of said video that reimagines the Bieb as a Rankin Bass character which is...unsettling...

-Astroboy

Underrated Christmas Songs

2011-12-08T15:52:00.000-08:00

With the holidays in full swing I've been hearing the usual suspects when it comes to Christmas music. While there's nothing wrong with the classics, lately I've been cobbling together a "Christmix" for my friends and family this year with the intent of showcasing some lesser heard X-mas songs that will still get you in a jolly mood!

All Alone At Christmas-Darlene Love: Darlene Love is better known for her equally awesome Christmas hit Christmas (Baby Please Come Home), however for my money it's her infectious jubilant plea for not being alone for the holiday that has my vote. As you can tell by the video up top it was featured in the sequel to Home Alone (naturally).

Don't Believe In Christmas-The Sonics: With all the traditional crooning about how great the yuletide season is, The Sonics do a complete 180 with this garage rocker that would make Scrooge proud!

Zat You Santa Claus-Louie Armstrong: A playfully slinky little swing number with Louie Armstrong's recognizable rasp as he tries to catch Santa in the act. The fact that I hear Last Christmas more than I hear this gem is a travesty.

Christmas In Heaven-Monty Python: Only the Pythons could be smart enough to mix both Christmas and religion into one gleefully hilarious bit of lounge music. While not technically a standard Christmas song per se (it was featured at the end of The Meaning of Life) , I think it fits the bill quite nicely...especially in the joyous over the top chorus at the end! (Link may be a tad NSFW)

Our World-My Morning Jacket: My all time favorite Christmas special hands down, no question about it is Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas. So I maybe a bit biased when it comes to this excellent cover by MMJ. Even though it doesn't mention stockings, presents or Christmas at all; it does have that genuine holiday sentiment.

(Everybody's Waiting For) The Man With The Bag-Kay Starr: Kay Starr is downright exuberant singing this jazzy little number, which perfectly reflects the giddy anticipation for the holiday.

Thank God It's Christmas-Queen: While it's a totally cheesy X-mas ballad, I do have to say I'm a sucker when it comes to anything Queen.

Step Into Christmas-Elton John: I'll never understand how Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmas Time can be played ad nauseum every holiday season and Elton John's awesome ode to Christmas gets pushed aside. As a bonus look at those glittery platform boots!

The Pogues-Fairytale of New York: Despite it's completely bleak lyrics of drinking and debauchery there's something beautiful about it's mimicking of a traditional Irish ballad that balance it out and make it fantastic.

The Ventures-Sleigh Ride: Usually I'm not a big fan of Christmas cover songs, however when the band or artist brings their own style an old favorite like The Ventures do by adding a bit of surf rock into the mix then I'm completely down with it!

-Astroboy

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2011-11-30T14:15:00.000-08:00

Ahh, now that Thanksgiving is over we can turn our attention to the most neglected of holidays...Christmas!!! If only someone created a couple of short bumpers that showed how I truly feel about the upcoming holiday season...except you know more face meltingly surreal:

Well look at that...it's a Christmas miracle! Nothing says Happy Holidays like a laser breathing cross dressing robot Santa...

-Astroboy

One Hit Wonders Vol. 7

2011-11-29T17:58:00.000-08:00

The Artist: Norman Greenbaum

The Hit: A lot happened musically in 1969 that it's understandable that Norman Greenbaum's lone hit would get overshadowed what with Altamont and Woodstock happening in the same year. Why Led Zeppelin put out two classic albums in that year alone! But I digress...Greenbaum actually had a minor hit a couple years before Spirit In The Sky as he was a part of Dr. West's Medicine Show and Junk Band a psychedelic jug band that produced the unforgettable The Eggplant That Ate Chicago (No seriously...did I mention it was the 60's?).

However by 1969 Greenbaum was working on a solo album and after watching some gospel songs on TV decided to write his own. Spirit In The Sky is pretty much a psychedelic version of gospel with hand claps and back up singers intermingling with a fuzzy distorted guitar riff. With that in mind much of the song could easily be seen as stepping stone for the glam bands that would litter the 70's. Ironically even though the lyrics mention Jesus and have religious overtones Greenbaum is Jewish.

What Happened?: Greenbaum pretty much retired after some follow up albums that pretty much flopped in the 70's. However in the mid-80's a band called Doctor and The Medics covered it and it once again became somewhat of a hit...though the video for it is both terrifying and hilarious all rolled into one.

-Astroboy

Bands That Really Should Reunite

2011-11-22T15:09:00.000-08:00

Over the past few months I've been slacking hardcore on this here blog. During this temporary hiatus I've discovered a new found infatuation with Electric Light Orchestra (or ELO as the hip kids say). In fact I've no doubt been annoying my wife with the incessant amount of Jeff Lynne and company that I've been listening to on an almost daily basis. You see when I like a band I tend to go overboard and let's just say that if ELO were a drug I'd no doubt have to go to some 70's classic rock rehab of some sort.

Anyway during this binge of ELO I started wishing that I could see them live and witness their sheer awesomeness, but alas they fall into the broken up category. Which got me thinking about bands that I'd like to see get back together. So consider the following to be a list of bands that I'd definitely go see if they decided to make up. Oh also I'll try to be less of a stranger round these parts...

ELO

What Happened: Towards the end of the 80's ELO disbanded mainly because mastermind Jeff Lynne started producing some pretty great albums by George Harrison and Tom Petty, along with starting mega-group The Traveling Wilburys. Strangely enough after Lynne's departure there was an ELO II that toured and recorded a couple of albums sans Lynne during the 90's. Lynne eventually recorded an all new ELO album in 2001 with the promise of a follow up tour that never materialized.

Is A Reunion Likely?: It pretty much all depends on if Jeff Lynne decides to do it or not.

The Kinks

What Happened: During the late 60's and early 70's The Kinks were putting out some pretty stellar stuff. However by the late 80's they were dropped from their label and their popularity started to wane in the early 90's. Ironically by the time Britpop started to become popular The Kinks had pretty much split up.

Is A Reunion Likely?: It's looking more and more likely as long as the Davies brothers play nice. Earlier this year there were rumors of a reunion, so I guess only time will tell.

Guns N' Roses

What Happened: Pretty much band infighting that caused them to slowly disintegrate only to be replaced by whomever Axl Rose wanted so he could create a new GNR.

Is A Reunion Likely?: Probably not with the entire original lineup. Rose has publicly stated that him and Slash will essentially never be on stage together again.

The Violent Femmes

What Happened: Um, band members started suing each other. Basically lead singer Gordon Gano sold advertising rights to Wendy's a few years back without consulting anyone else in the band, leading to the other band members slapping a lawsuit claiming that they co-owned the rights to Femmes songs.

Is A Reunion Likely?: Usually when band members start taking each other to court it pretty much spells the end of the line, however the Femmes did briefly split up in 1987 and got back together so who knows...

The White Stripes

What Happened: Beats me! The Stripes hadn't recorded anything for a few years when they abruptly split earlier this year. Jack White was collaborating with a lot of different bands on his down time and at the tail end of 2007 they had to cancel the latter half of a tour due to Meg White having anxiety problems (a tour that I had tickets for dangnabbit!), but anything else is pure speculation at this point.

Is A Reunion Likely?: Seeing as it hasn't even been a year yet, it's no doubt too early to tell. However I'd like to think that at some point they did some sort of reunion tour...but perhaps that's simply wishful thinking.

-Astroboy

Worst of the Worst: TV Shows Based On Movies

2011-09-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

TV shows based on films always seemed to me like a lazy way of attempting to piggyback off of a popular film with the assumption that if the audience liked X movie then it would only make sense that they would want to see it in half hour increments. While some shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or M*A*S*H proved that there was more stories to tell than the running time of a film could allow, other shows just felt like TV execs were throwing out ideas and hoping that they'd stick with TV audiences based on their recognition of the film alone. Consider the following to be some examples:

Uncle Buck

I actually remember being excited to see Uncle Buck when I found out it was going to be a TV show as a kid. However then I watched it and the soul crushing realization hit me that John Candy was no where to be seen. Obviously Candy portrayed the eccentric, lovable, curmudgeonly Uncle Buck so well that attempting to spin it off with anyone that wasn't John Candy was doomed for total and utter failure. Also it's not reassuring that there's a nod at a well known scene during the opening credits, almost as if the network was nudging the viewer and going, "Heeey, remember that scene where he uses the shovel to make a giant pancake"?

Fast Times

Fast Times at Ridgemont High was a funny 80's coming of age comedy that looked at actual teen problems without sugar coating them. So it makes sense that a sanitized TV version that eliminated all the talk about sex and drug use wouldn't fare so well, right? To make matters even worse the only actors from the original ensemble that decided to come back were Mr. Vargas and Mr. Hand. Bummer...

Ferris Bueller

It's probably not a good sign when within less than a minute into a new series the main character puts a chainsaw through the likeness of the original character that was the sole reason why most folks tuned in at all. While Ferris on the big screen seemed like a rascally scamp, small screen Ferris was pretty much a d-bag of the highest order.

Police Academy: The Series

On paper Police Academy probably seemed like a no brainer. I mean the films had already gone everywhere but space and there was even a cartoon. Unfortunately the live action version came a good 3 years after the last straight to rental film had come out, well past our societies brief 80's love affair with bumbling slapstick police officer antics. Combine that with the fact that only Michael Winslow appeared in it, along with a more PC watered down version of the films and its no surprise that there was no season 2.

Benji, Zax & The Alien Prince

In the 70's Benji was like an updated version of Lassie. Running around being cute, making friends and helping people was pretty much his MO. It seems like a Benji TV show would have made perfect sense right? Well instead of making a standard TV show about a lovable mutt getting into hijinks someone thought it would be a good idea to include an alien prince and...oh what the hell a robot, I mean kids love robots right!? What you see above was the strange result...

-Astroboy

Underrated Films Vol. 16

2011-08-02T17:03:00.000-07:00

Brain Candy

After 5 seasons of their sketch comedy show the Kids In The Hall decided to try their hand at a feature film in 1996. Seeing as much of their sketch comedy was in the same vein as Monty Python I'm sure the studio was hoping that their careers would mimic those of Python. However by the time Brain Candy was briefly released not enough regular movie goers were familiar with the Kids previous work and most reviews straddled the line between utterly harsh to praising it for it's ingenious comedy. For anyone familiar with the Kids In The Hall however it was undeniably a product of them.

The main storyline consists of a scientist who discovers an anti-depressant dubbed Glee-monex which takes the user back to their happiest memory and becomes an overnight hit. The rest of Brain Candy intercuts with the scientist coming to terms with his new found fame and people who've taken the drug showing how it effects them from a depressed old lady whose fond memory is of an awful Christmas to a gloomy rock star named Grivo who pens a joyful ode called Happiness Pie to a man who finally realizes he is gay even though everyone else around him already knows. Unfortunately one of the unforeseen side effects of constant use is that the drug will leave the user in a coma...trapped in their happiest moment.

Throughout the Kids In The Hall gleefully poke fun at anything and everything from corporate culture to big business to mass consumerism, it seems that nothing is off limits. Ironically this may have affected how the studio treated the release of the film. It seems the studio didn't really like the fact that there was a character spoofing Lorne Michaels (a producer for both the TV series and film) and that there was a character dubbed Cancer Boy. The Kids In The Hall refused to cut both characters and in retaliation the studio didn't market the film very well. Also Dave Foley quit the troupe due to conflicts writing the script and was also offered to be in the TV show News Radio (though he did sign a release which made him contractually obligated to be in the film). Even though it flopped at the box office it did find a new life when it was released on DVD.

In the end Brain Candy showed that the Kids In The Hall could take their characteristic style of comedy and turn it into a hilariously absurd, endlessly quotable and darkly funny film.

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2011-07-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

Finally a product that will save thousands...nay...perhaps even millions of marriages worldwide!

So there you have it for your next anniversary what better way to say I love you than giving your significant other an overpriced blanket that uses military fabric to absorb your farts! Never have to worry about dutch ovens again!

Man, what will science think of next?

-Astroboy

Behold...Improvitecture!

2011-07-07T15:53:00.001-07:00

You may even learn about the great Dinowar of 1778 as seen above

Do you like Improv comedy?
Do you like walking?
Do you live in the Chicago area?

If you answered yes to most of those questions then do I have a deal for you! My good friend Adam has spent much manpower and money merging Improv and Architectural Tours into...Improvitecture!

Improvitecture is a walking tour led by local Improv comedians as they explore the fake made up history of Chicago. There are multiple tours to choose from ranging from Vikings!!! to Tasty Treats to a tour that's entirely based on your suggestions!

To make a great thing even greaterer if you enter wonder in the coupon code...*Boom* 1/2 off the price of your tickets!

So if you want to do something awesome over the weekend and are in the Chicago area check out Improvitecture! Unless of course you hate fun. You don't hate fun...do you?

-Astroboy

My Apologies...

2011-06-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

...for the lack of posting recently. I could give you a bunch of lame excuses, but instead here's some pirate metal:

What better way to say I'm sAAAAARRRRy...

-Astroboy

One Hit Wonders Vol. 6

2011-06-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

The Artist: Deee-Lite

The Hit: 1990 was a weird year for music. The glut of hair metal that took over the 80's had pretty much faded, while grunge lay unforeseen on the horizon. Most of the hits that came out in 1990 were variations of polished pop music (R&B pop, dance pop, English pop etc.) . In fact after reviewing some of the hits of 1990 I was surprised by how pop heavy it was. From Madonna to Paula Abdul to Taylor Dane to Sinead O'Connor it seemed to be the year of the pop ballad, I mean the closest thing to a chart topping "rock" single that year was Bon Jovi's Blaze of Glory (seriously...). Somewhere between Step by Step and Ice Ice Baby came Deee-Lite's instantly catchy Groove Is In The Heart which was an infectious blend of house, funk and rap.

It's a cheerfully fizzy 4 1/2 minutes of dance that deftly combines a cool as ice Bootsy Collins bass line with some excellent vocals by Lady Miss Kier and also a laid back rap cameo by Q-Tip. In fact I'm going to go out on a limb here and state that out of most of the hit pop singles that were released in 1990 that Groove Is In The Heart sounds just as fresh today as it did when it was released...which unfortunately is not true for King of Wishful Thinking by Go West.

What Happened?: Remember how I said earlier that grunge was on the horizon? Pretty much a year after Groove Is In The Heart was released the landscape of music had changed pretty dramatically. Deee-Lite did put out two more albums in the 90's, however both had much more political messages in many songs and failed to chart as high as their debut album did. By the mid-90's the group split up, but despite that Groove Is In The Heart is still a giddy testament to 90's pop that never fails to get people on the dance floor.

-Astroboy

Underrated Albums Vol. 40

2011-06-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

The Heavy
The House That Dirt Built

The first time I ever heard The Heavy was one night while I was flipping the channels and saw them on David Letterman. I don't really remember the exact reason why I stopped (I'm assuming someone was being interviewed that I wanted to see or something), but after watching them perform I thought to myself, "Wow that was pretty awesome"! I even went so far as to look them up on Youtube, but I was a bit apprehensive about actually picking up the album due to the "Jet Fiasco" a few years back. The "Jet Fiasco" involved a good month or two in 2003 where I really liked Jet's Are You Gonna Be My Girl to the point where I decided to pick up the album based solely on my enjoyment of that one single song. However after a handful of times I realized that I didn't like the album at all and that I didn't even really like Are You Going To Be My Girl all that much anymore. It was a passing fancy and I wasn't going to fall for that trap again.

A few months later I heard the same song in a car commercial and a strange thing happened...I still liked it...a lot. Flash to a few more months later I heard another of their songs in a different commercial that was pretty catchy, so I finally relented and bought the album. In fact when I bought the album it had a sticker that touted it as being from said car commercial, which seems kind of odd since you only hear 20 or 30 seconds of actual song (but hey I bought it based off of two commercials so I guess it's not that weird). Anyway the song in question is How You Like Me Know which takes some Motown horns added to a propulsive drum beat and slowly builds into an explosive ridiculously catchy chorus. It's this hybrid of rock and soul that make it sound like a long lost James Brown track.

In fact much of the tracks on The House That Dirt Built pay homage to various musical styles from the frantic garage rock of Oh No! Not You Again!! to the foot stomping gospel chorus of Long Way From Home to the soulful bluesy grit of Sixteen to the reggae ska of Cause For Alarm. The highlight however is Short Change Hero which starts off with a Sergio Leone inspired beginning before succumbing to a bouncing laid back riff that is the epitome of cool. Part of what makes the album work is the ability to take bits of different genres and put their own fresh spin on it while the other part is the lead singer Kelvin Swaby who is almost a chameleon with his vocal style from track to track, at times sounding like some weird love child of Chris Cornell and Cee Lo Green.

Seeing as this is only their second album I'll be interested to see what the future holds for them. If they continue to put out more albums as solid as The House That Dirt Built I'd expect to hear bigger and better things than car commercials.

Essential Tracks: Oh No! Not You Again!!, Sixteen, How You Like Me Now, Short Change Hero, Cause For Alarm

-Astroboy

Sad Moments In Comic Book History: Swimsuit Specials

2011-05-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

Comic books in the early to mid 90's thrived on gimmicks. It seemed like there was a year or two where the comic industry was trying anything and everything to sell more comics. From comics with holographic covers, embossed covers, alternative covers, shiny metallic covers, gatefold covers to comics that were bagged with "collectible trading cards" to comics loudly touting "Issue #1" and when that became stale "Issue #0's began appearing. During this same period came the prominence of the comic book artist to the forefront. Suddenly it didn't matter what the story was about, but just as long as the hot artist was drawing it and it had a wraparound holo-foil cover (bonus points if it was a #1).

With all that out of the way it really shouldn't come as a surprise that Marvel started putting out a yearly one shot swimsuit special. The fact that it could have a book that collected pinups by hot artists simply doing splash pages of scantily clad comic book female characters was a literal no-brainer because (a.) You didn't really need a writer (b.) You collected an entire book chock full of popular artists that folks were buying anyway and (c.) You were catering to your main audience of horny pre-pubescent boys who would shell out money to ogle a semi-nude Invisible Woman or Storm in a bikini.

When Marvel debuted their swimsuit issues in 1991 it was obviously a sort of tongue in cheek parody of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues, however that didn't stop it from getting weird over it's 5 year span of being published each summer:

Exhibit A.)

The Punisher

Exhibit B.)

Ghost Rider

As you can probably guess by seeing a comical speedo wearing Frank Castle or a completely naked Ghost Rider on the beach swimsuit specials didn't last long...except you'd be wrong. You see even when Marvel stopped publishing their swimsuit issues (luckily before they could do a MODOK pinup) many companies followed suit and began or continued putting out their own versions with their popular characters in them well into the early 2000's. To be fair most of these companies revolved around large chested characters with humongous swords. Eventually like most gimmicks that popped up in the 90's in comics the swimsuit issues disappeared completely, however you probably can still find a stray issue in a 25 or 50 cent bin as a bizarre reminder of a decade that would try anything to sell an issue or two.

-Astroboy

This'll Cure The Monday Doldrums

2011-05-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

Come for Chewbacca dancing to Welcome To The Jungle...stay for an Ewok dressed up like Slash performing the guitar solo!

Hmm, that was actually better than Episode I...

-Astroboy

Underrated Films Vol. 15

2011-05-18T15:13:00.000-07:00

#15 Big Trouble In Little China

After the surprise independent smash hit of Halloween in 1978 John Carpenter found himself struggling in the 80's to make studio movies. Most films he made from 1980-1986 ended up failing at the box office, however would ironically with time come to be seen as cult classics (1981 and 1982 saw the release of both Escape from New York and The Thing respectively). Big Trouble In Little China did the same and would send Carpenter back to his roots of independent film making for a bit due to studio interference. On paper Big Trouble In Little China sounds downright insane: wisecracking tough guy truck driver looks for his stolen semi and friends fiance who has been kidnapped by a 2000 year old magician in a shadowy demonic underworld below San Francisco's Chinatown. However the fact that Carpenter made this ridiculous premise into a film that is action packed and funny without being campy (well maybe a little campy) is a testament to how good of a director he is.

One of the main reasons Big Trouble works so well is Kurt Russell as main character Jack Burton who's basically an inept cross between Indiana Jones and Ash from Evil Dead. Instead of the typical action adventure hero of the 80's who always knows what to do and has the right quip, Russell plays Burton as an almost smarmy parody who's full of charming wisecracks and simply doing what he deems is right...even if he might not know what's going on half the time. The second reason is that it is a deft homage to various genres from material arts flicks to the snappy banter that resembles many 1930's films to the serialized style of how the movie plays out. It almost feels like watching a modern day pulp novel and never crosses the line into parody.

One of the reasons Big Trouble failed when it was released was that it was rushed to be made before Eddie Murphy's The Golden Child, which strangely enough had a similar premise. Also like many cult classics upon theatrical release it got very little support from the studio who Carpenter claims in the DVD commentary "didn't get it". Perhaps the biggest reason it was a flop at the box office was because it opened in the summer a few weeks before Aliens was released and became a blockbuster. In the end however Big Trouble In Little China found an audience on video to enjoy it's unique mix of comedic action adventure and endlessly quotable dialogue from a director who it seems simply makes films that are a bit ahead of their time...

-Astroboy

Weird Sites to Start the Week Off Right

2011-05-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

Japanese Bug Fights: Ah, Japan! The only place that would dare to ask the burning question of who would win in a fight a praying mantis or a giant centipede, and then film the bizarre results as if it was some sort of messed up game show. Alas, one of the rules of Japanese Bug Fights is no outside weapons which crushes my dreams of witnessing a scorpion vs. tarantula knife fight...

Chicks With Buscemeyes: Let's face it Steve Buscemi is not a pretty man, but what if his eyes were photoshopped on gorgeous women? Um...not helping! Actually most of the results are nothing short of terrifying...

Hiyoooo!: Finally a site to punctuate that solid zinger or amusing anecdote! Just click on Ed McMahon's disembodied head to let out his trade mark hearty Hiyoooo! Random fact: if you repeatedly click it sounds like Ed McMahon is falling down an endless tunnel echoing his catch phrase!

Amish or Hipster? It's actually harder than it sounds...

What's That In Danzigs? Sure you were taught about meters and liters in school, but what about Danzig's? Probably not. Luckily some genius has created a site that converts various units of weight measurement into the shirtless singer Glenn Danzig of Misfits, Samhain and uh...Danzig fame! So there you go now you can finally figure out how much your dog weighs in Danzig's, go crazy!

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2011-05-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

File the following under useless products:

So there you go for 20 bucks you can buy an adult bib! Now that I think about it you could just save your money and wear a smock or maybe a tarp or y'know try being less clumsy...

-Astroboy

Worst of the Worst: Very Special Episodes

2011-04-28T16:43:00.000-07:00

In the hey-day of 80's/90's sitcoms came the concept of the "very special episode" which involved a controversial topic (racism, drugs, sex etc.) that occurs to the characters in the hopes that families would watch said episode together and then either have an awkward conversation based on the latest episode of Blossom or avoid the subject all together in the hopes that the episode of Diff'rent Strokes you just watched taught you not to talk to strangers. Whatever the reasoning "very special episodes" became a well intentioned, occasionally bizarre staple of TV. Here are a few of the worst:

Saved by the Bell

Pretty much every single sitcom from the late 80's to the early 90's had an episode that involved one the characters abusing "diet pills" or "caffeine pills", usually to excel in something before it all falls apart at the seams and they learn a valuable lesson in the end. This all usually occurs in one episode and is never spoken of again. That's pretty much what happens in the episode of Saved by the Bell when egghead Jessie begins abusing "caffeine pills" so she can balance her good grades, along with being in a band. As you can see above after Zack finds out it leads to a freak out and no doubt the saddest rendition of I'm So Excited I've ever heard...

Family Ties

Another typical sign that you're entering "very special episode" territory is when a character shows up (be they neighbor, friend or family member) who has never been on the show and is never seen again. Usually this individual has a problem that the regular characters can learn from. The best example of this is poor old boozy Uncle Ned played by a hilariously hammy Tom Hanks. After Alex finds Uncle Ned in the kitchen drinking his sorrows away he comes to the conclusion that Uncle Ned might have a drinking problem, due to the fact that he chugs vanilla extract to get a buzz going. As if that wasn't a warning sign he also pours himself a glass of maraschino cherries. The episode continues Ned's downfall leading up to him backhanding Alex and eventually calling AA to admit he's an alcoholic. So he got better and apologized for his behavior only to...oh wait he never appeared in another episode! We did learn a valuable lesson however...if you don't have booze vanilla extract will do in a pinch!

Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Sure alcoholism and caffeine pills are prime topics for "very special episodes", but you know what usually gets ignored? Of course I'm talking about that most dreaded addiction...pancakes!? That's what Sabrina the Teenage Witch decided to focus one episode on, which is sort of a a bizarre amalgamation of "very special episode" and dadaism. You see Sabrina becomes addicted to pancakes, so she decides to quit cold turkey. Now anyone who has been addicted to pancakes knows that the withdrawal is nothing short of terrible. Time slows down and dreams often occur that resemble some type of sinister musical that revolves around pancakes. Hopefully many people who saw this episode got treatment for their own pancake related addictions...

MacGuyver

Usually most "very special episodes" revolved around common problems that most folks who watched could relate to or start a discussion with their kids with, however MacGuyver decided to up the ante and focus on illegal rhino poaching. While saving endangered species is a noble cause indeed, it probably isn't something that most families want to watch and discuss in great detail afterwards with their children. On the plus side Cuba Gooding Jr. guest stars!

Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs was like the crazy love child of The Honeymooners and The Flintstones, except with dinosaur puppets. Oddly enough there was a "very special episode" that revolved around the son dinosaur taking steroids to impress a girl dinosaur at school. Of course the steroids make everything worse and he realizes that he only needed to be himself. This episode did bring to light the dangers of dinosaurs on steroids. On a complete side note Dinosaurs on Steroids would make an awesome band name!

-Astroboy

Underrated Albums Vol. 39

2011-04-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

Sparklehorse and Danger Mouse Present Dark Night of the Soul

In this day and age it's rare to see an album with various artists that doesn't begin with Now That's What I Call Music, let alone an album that also incorporates both audio and visual with tracks that blend together to revolve around a single concept. That's what happened in 2009 When Danger Mouse, Sparklehorse and David Lynch announced this new project dubbed Dark Night of the Soul. The idea was that Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse would compose music along with Sparklehorse writing lyrics that different artists would sing, while David Lynch would supply a book of photographs that coincided with each track.

Dark Night of the Soul is taken from a Christian metaphor of an individuals spiritual life being marked by desolation and loneliness, something that seems to permeate through the entire album. The impressive thing is that each track doesn't just stand on it's own, but when put together creates a more telling whole. The revolving cast of vocalists only make each track more unique. From the anguished howl of Black Francis on Angel's Harp to the country lullaby of Jaykub to the cool laid back lament of The Strokes Julian Casablanca, each vocalist helps play on the theme of the album itself. Even The Flaming Lips track Revenge wouldn't sound out of place on their last couple albums.

The album goes back and forth from experimental, such as the sweetly hypnotic mechanical sound of David Lynchs track Star Eyes (I Can't Catch It) and the pulsating fuzz of Insane Lullaby featuring James Mercer of The Shins, to more traditional fare such as the boozy spaghetti western waltz of Every Time I'm With You featuring Jason Lytle. The highlight of the album however is Daddy's Gone which is the only song Mark Linklous (aka Sparklehorse) sings on with Suzanne Vega. It's a song that starts off with sunny childlike abandon only to turn into a rumination of growing older with a hint of wistfulness.

The album was ready in 2009, however got tangled up in legal problems between EMI and Danger Mouse delaying it. For a while during this limbo the book of David Lynch photographs was sold with a blank CD. Sadly in early 2010 Linklous took his own life, a few months before the actual release of the album, which leaves an even deeper layer of sadness when listening to certain tracks. Ultimately Dark Night of the Soul acts not just as a worthy musical eulogy for Linklous, but also a concept album by multiple artists coming together to create something fresh and inventive.

Essential Tracks: Revenge, Just War, Jaykub, Little Girl, Angel's Harp, Star Eyes (I Can't See You), Every Time I'm With You, Daddy's Gone

-Astroboy

One Hit Wonders Vol. 5

2011-04-12T16:43:00.000-07:00

The Artist: Green Jellÿ

The Hit: By the early 90's record companies were scrambling to sign any bands that they could dub "alternative" to ride the tidal wave of grunge. Strangely enough Green Jellÿ got thrown into the mix in 1993 at the height of grunge with Three Little Pigs. Formed in the early 80's the band (originally called Green Jello, until they were sued) gleefully dubbed themselves as the worst band ever and sounded like if Frank Zappa, The Butthole Surfers and Gwar had a three headed love child. They usually had a bunch of members including some of the guys from Tool and wore giant costume masks covering their heads. With their third "album" Cereal Killer Green Jellÿ decided instead of an traditional album they would shoot a video for each song and release it as a video only album. Soon after MTV started playing the Three Little Pigs video and it became an oddball hit ironically leading them to release an album called Cereal Killer Soundtrack.

What Happened?: Sadly I guess there wasn't much demand for a comedy metal band. After releasing a follow up a few years later that got zero promotion from their label the many members of the band went their own ways, but never did announce they had split up. However in 2009 an album that was recorded in 1995 finally was released and last year some members got back together to play under the Green Jellÿ moniker.

-Astroboy

One Example Of Why The 90's Were Cool

2011-04-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

At the ripe age of ten I had exactly three dreams in life that I wanted to accomplish:

1. Become a world renowned boy detective who solves various crimes by the age of 13

2. Own a monkey who would hang out with me and also act as a sort of partner in my crime solving antics

3. Be a contestant on Video Power

Out of all of these the only one that seemed feasible to my prepubescent mind was the latter due mainly because there weren't a lot of crimes around my neighborhood and it was highly doubtful my parents would get me a simian sidekick. However like any 11 year old kid that grew up in the golden age of Nintendo I probably spent a good 50% of my free time playing video games.

For those who don't remember Video Power it was one of the greatest achievements of the 90's, along with Dunkeroo's* and this! Explaining it now makes it sound completely stupid, since it was a game show about kids who played video games against each other. I mean who would want to watch a game show where other kids played video games when you yourself could be playing video games instead? However as moronic a premise as it may seem today it was utterly genius if you think about it. I'm sure advertisers had a field day promoting "hip new" video games to kids who secretly yearned to be on a game show that showed off their epic Contra skills that they had honed all of their short life.

I was one of those kids who dreamed about my chance to be on Video Power. The actual game playing parts were pretty lame I have to admit even to a ten year old. No amount of crazy side ways camera angles of kids playing the latest Mega Man or mulleted announcer who sounds like a crazy drive time radio DJ giving a play by play would make it cool. No, it was the very end that was awesome. You see the winner wore a Power Vest and Power Helmet which were Velcro and had 41 seconds to run through a maze of Nintendo games grabbing them willy nilly and slapping them on their Velcro vest/helmet combo. Once you slid down a slide you got to keep anything that stuck on you.

For a good few months I had a minor infatuation with trying to get on Video Power, except one small thing was holding me back...I was ten years old and had no concept of how to get on TV. Did they have scouts that came over to your house? Maybe there was some state wide search for the best video game player? Perhaps word of mouth would spread to the host (Johnny Arcade) and he would show up at my house hearing the legend of how I beat Ninja Gaiden after renting it for 8 weeks straight. I was fairly certain if I told my parents I wanted to fly to New York they would have either laughed at me or told me to go play outside.

Ultimately it didn't matter since Video Power was cancelled, I imagine due to the fact that their prime audience had short attention spans and also because most of them would rather play video games instead. I hadn't thought of the show in ages until I stumbled across this video today and it is a hilarious time capsule of 90's cheesy awesomeness. Oh and if they ever re-made Video Power for adults I would sign up in a heart beat...

*On a complete side tangent whoever invented Dunkeroo's should have been given a Nobel Prize or something, since they were able to successfully advertise to parents that dipping cookies in frosting was some sort of viable form of snack food...

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2011-04-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is no longer governor of California I figured he'd take some time off. You know semi-retirement. Maybe take up some golf or gardening with the occasional cameo in some big budget action flick. Well apparently Arnold wants to fill the Schwarzeneggerian void in our lives while he was away with the following...Behold!

Soooo, yeah...The Governator is an upcoming cartoon/comic book created by Schwarzenegger and Stan Lee, (whose given us such classics as Spider-Man, The X-Men and Stripperella) that revolves around the adventures of Arnold if he was Iron Man with a hint of Tron thrown into the mix! As you can see from the clip above he'll be saving the world from such menaces as transforming robots (if only there was some sort of name for those) that want money...for some reason. Now I know what some of you are thinking, "Sure a comic book and cartoon of Arnold being a superhero based on a name coined to him by the press is all fine and good, but what about movies"? Way ahead of you because...prepare yourself...The Governator may become a movie...in 3-D!

Hmm, I guess it could be worse we could have gotten a sequel to Junior...

-Astroboy

#18: Sharktopus

2011-04-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

#18: Sharktopus

It's gotten to the point where the SyFy channel has created a formula of sorts to churn out the modern day equivalent of B-movie schlock. Make a relatively low budget film that utilizes a washed up actor/pop star and have it revolve around a poorly CGI animal antagonist that blurs the line between ludicrous and slightly awesome. I've mentioned before that my favorite bad movies are those that have a ridiculous premise and yet take themselves deathly serious...Sharktopus is not that sort of bad movie. It's the exact opposite in that it gleefully revels in the simple zany concept of a shark octopus hybrid causing unholy chaos.

Basically the military has genetically engineered a half shark half octopus to be used as a weapon, but during a test the collar that keeps it from going all kill crazy comes off and it makes its way down to Mexico for some carnage. Led by it's creator (Eric Roberts in full on smug mode), the creators brainy daughter, a hot shot young scientist who plays by his own set of rules, and a friend named Santos that is pretty much there just to die an awful death they set out to capture the Sharktopus. The bulk of the movie involves everyone but Eric Roberts driving around aimlessly on a boat hunting the Sharktopus followed by scenes of the Sharktopus eating/bludgeoning random tourists in semi-humorous ways. If you've ever wanted to see someone eaten by a genetically engineered half shark half octopus while bungee jumping then this is the film you've been waiting for!

By the end pretty much everyone dies except for the hot shot scientist and the daughter (who is either British or Australian, but is trying to do an American accent) who decide to kill the godless creation the only way they know how...with a GRENADE LAUNCHER!!! There's tons of corny dialogue, along with tons of plot holes (apparently Sharktopus is fine in both fresh water and salt water, while also being able to hang out on land!?) but all of that doesn't matter in the slightest because it's a movie about a goddamn Sharktopus! Ultimately that's the main driving force when it comes to Sharktopus in that it doesn't matter what the actual plot is just as long as the Sharktopus is ripping people from limb to limb with giddy abandon as poorly rendered blood spatters on the camera, successfully fulfilling everyone's childhood dream of there finally being a film that somehow combines a shark and octopus as an unstoppable killing machine.

-Astroboy

Sad Moments In Comic Book History: Legends of the Superheroes

2011-03-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

In 1979 Hanna Barbera attempted to combine the camp of the 60's Batman TV show with the popularity of the Super Friends cartoon, so two "specials" were made to showcase this concept in the form of Legends of the Superheroes. No doubt they were also attempting to piggy back off the audience interest of the Superman movie and Wonder Woman television show during that time also. If you looked at the picture up top I probably don't have to tell you that it was dreadful.

Split up into two hour long episodes Legends of the Superheroes is a baffling superhero variety show that features corny stand up comedy, singing and overall cheesiness that seemed to permeate many a 70's variety show except everyone was wearing shoddy costumes on poorly designed sets made up to look like superhero/supervillain lairs. The first episode involves the superheroes celebrating the legacy of the Scarlet Cyclone aka Retired Man (whose superpower was speed but is now apparently being really really old), only to be tricked by the Legion of Doom in surreal vignettes that involve: Weather Wizard trying to sell Batman and Robin a used car, The Riddler posing as a psychiatrist to Captain Marvel and Dr. Sivana selling evil lemonade that apparently has the ability to suck away super powers. If all this sounds awful...trust me it is. The heroes eventually find the villains secret lair and get in a poorly choreographed fight.

However the second episode seems to attempt to one up the awfulness of the first by staging a roast hosted by Ed McMahon. While roasts were a staple of the 70's courtesy of Dean Martin and many of the actors were comedians, its still head scratching as to why the hell you'd want to have a bunch of people dressed as superheroes having an hour long roast. I suppose the network was hoping to appeal to both kids (superheroes) and adults (um...roasts). Predictably many of the jokes are groan worthy, pretty dated and at one point a "superhero" named Ghetto Man comes out to do some "urban stand up", which is particularly terrible.

Not surprisingly at all pretty much no one was quite clamoring for a TV show that had stand up comedy by the Weather Wizard, Batman on a jet ski or song and dance numbers by D-list DC villains. However what is surprising is that you can get both episodes on DVD, though I'm not sure why you'd want to do that.

-Astroboy

Worst of the Worst: Breakfast Cereal

2011-03-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

Big Mixx

In 1990 Kellog's put out Big Mixx which was basically a "mix" of a bunch of seemingly left over cereals that already existed put together to create...voila, a brand new cereal! Throw some raisins on that shit, slap an extra X in the title, and you got yourself breakfast gold, right!? Um...not really. Most folks didn't want the equivalent of filling up a bunch of different sodas at the soda fountain when it comes to eating breakfast. It didn't help matters that the mascot was some sort of unholy moose-chicken-pig thing.

Candy Corn Pops

One way to get kids to want cereal is to present it not as breakfast, but as dessert! From candy (Nerds cereal) to cookies (Cookie Crisp) to ice cream (Ice Cream Cones cereal) the list goes on, however who in their right mind would look at the waxy chalky foulness that is candy corn and go, "Hey what if we created a crunchy cereal that tasted like candy corn into a bowl and filled it with milk"! However I may be a tad biased on this one since I personally believe that candy corn is an abomination that was created solely to make other candy taste superior since it tastes like neither candy nor corn, but instead like total and utter ass...

Transformers

Another way to market to kids is to base it on a cool toy or TV show that the kid desperately wants. Simply slap the characters on the front of the box throw some fun marsh-mellow shapes or sugar coated pieces that sort of resemble something from said popular TV show/toy and watch the money roll in! Transformers cereal was the most lazily blatant when it comes to this since it is just Cocoa Puffs crammed into a Transformers box. Oh, but wait it also "transforms" regular milk into chocolate milk! Why, that's amazing it's not like EVERY OTHER CEREAL THAT HAS CHOCOLATE IN IT DOES THAT! As a kid though all that mattered is that Optimus Prime was on the box and the fact that if I ate 8 to 10 boxes I would get a "free toy"!

Urkel-O's

Pretty much anything remotely popular in pop culture during the 80's and 90's got their own cereal for a little while. Hence Urkel-O's, which used the popularity of everyone's favorite wacky catch phrase spouting nerd. To make something already sort of ridiculous even worse was that it was essentially banana and strawberry Apple Jacks...which does not sound even remotely appetizing in any way shape or form.

Grape Nuts

In my house you knew grocery day was coming when you opened the cupboard in the morning and all that stared back at you was that lone box of Grape Nuts. First of all Grape Nuts tasted like eating gravel infused with fiber and saw dust. Also eating it actually meant the possibility of breaking a tooth and or filling. Secondly no amount of sugar was going to mask the blandness, instead the sugar just sadly sat like a lifeless gray blob on top of the joyless cereal you were about to consume. Finally it tasted like neither grapes nor nuts. Oh, also the box up top suggests trying it hot, which I imagine would simply be turning it into the equivalent of hard to chew gruel that would no doubt burn the roof of your mouth.

-Astroboy

Undderrated Albums Vol. 38

2011-03-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

The Specials

Two years after their 1979 self-titled debut The Specials broke up, but in that short time they were able to craft a new kind of music that fused reggae, ska and punk rock together to create a new British revival of ska. Of course The Clash had already dabbled with incorporating ska riffs into their music, however The Specials heavily embraced the Jamaican born sound and that blending of reverence to past ska hits along with mixing the frenetic energy of punk rock and focusing lyrically on more working class political issues helped set a template for their first album.

It's this blurring of old and new that makes The Specials debut so exceptional. The album skips back and forth to upbeat lighthearted covers like A Message To You Rudy, Monkey Man and Too Hot; while original songs like It's Up To You, Doesn't Make It Alright, Blank Expression, and Too Much Too Young inject the ferocious anger of punk with lyrics that rail on societal problems as diverse as teen pregnancy, racism and violence. It's this combo of exuberant covers and more bitter originals that keep the album from dragging. The Specials also pushed the guitar to the foreground of their songs to make it more prominent and create a more aggressive tone.

The late 70's saw a definite revival in British ska bands and while The Specials were popular in Britain they never gained much attention from the US. Part of that is no doubt because they were only together for a short time, but also because I assume since they were on their own label 2 Tone Records they didn't have the proper distribution. However by the late 80's through the mid 90's another ska revival began in the US with bands such as Rancid, Sublime, The Mighty Mighty Boss Tones and No Doubt (among many others) obviously heavily indebted to The Specials style and sound. In the end The Specials seemed to mirror their songs; smart, short, jubilant and most importantly bridging the gap between young and old to create something new.

Essential Songs: A Message To You, Rudy, Doesn't Make It Alright, Concrete Jungle Monkey Man, (Dawning of A) New Era, Blank Expression, Too Much Too Soon

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2011-03-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

You know what video games need more of? Spanking. If that inexplicable thought has ever crossed your mind then prepare to witness all your hopes and dreams coming true...

That was a commercial for We Dare, which is a third party Wii game that seems to be the video game equivalent of Truth or Dare combined with a modern day key party. Consider it perfect for making that dinner party with friends even more delightfully awkward, attempting to get girls to make out with each other, or simply giving you a valid reason to put a Wii-mote down your pants. Hey whatever floats your boat, I guess.

I just hope there's not a one player mode...

-Astroboy

One Hit Wonders Vol. 4

2011-03-01T13:14:00.001-08:00

The Artist: Rockwell

The Hit: In 1984 Rockwell (who just happened to be Berry Gordy's son) put out the jittery synth heavy hit Somebody's Watching Me to almost immediate acclaim. With a combination of sort of singing/kind of rapping, along with a stellar jheri curl Rockwell made a 3 1/2 minute ode that reflected the paranoid feeling that permeated through much of mid-80's America. Oh...also some kid named Michael Jackson sang the chorus...

What Happened?: While I'm sure being the son of the founder of Motown records helped a bit in his career I guarantee you that having Michael Jackson at the height of his musical power sing the chorus to a song on said album was obviously a big (re: only) reason that Somebody's Watching Me tore up the charts. I mean let's face it I could have written a song in 1984 and had Michael Jackson (fresh off Thriller mind you) sing the chorus and it would have been huge. In fact it's a testament to Jackson's talent at the time that he can sing 7 words and...BOOM...instant hit! In fact I bet most people today who hear Somebody's Watching Me will just assume it's a Michael Jackson song. Rockwell put out a few more mid-80's follow ups that failed to capture that spark that---Oh who am kidding! Michael Jackson didn't sing any choruses to anymore Rockwell songs! So yeah, there you have it...

-Astroboy

8-Bit Pipe Dreams

2011-02-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

Oh, the good old days of 8-bit video games! Back when the NES was king and pretty much any popular movie/TV franchise had their own video game. Though the quality or actual game play was pretty questionable at times, for every Three Stooges there was a diamond like Duck Tales (which I played a gazillion times or so...though I may be exaggerating a bit). Of course now that NES games have been extinct for almost 20 years now, that hasn't stopped some talented folks to ask, "What If"? This has resulted in everything from the 8 bit Big Lebowski art up top to other concepts that I would definitely play in a heart beat if they became a reality. *Just a note all of these works are courtesy of their respective artists I in no way shape or form had anything to do with them at all, just thought they were cool and wanted to share*

Lost- As much as I loved Lost, I have to admit that a Lost NES game would probably be as frustrating to play as piecing together the Lost mythology itself. However looking at that cartridge with the art does make my inner Lost nerd cry out in sheer joy and I mean c'mon an 8-bit John Locke, what's not to like!

Calvin and Hobbes- Just seeing that mocked up cover immediately made a huge goofy smile spread across my face. If this ever became a reality I would dust off my old NES and pick it up post haste!

Aliens- Here's a game that almost actually came out for NES. While sure it looks like a mix of Contra and Ninja Gaidan, it still looks kind of badass...and I mean come on they made a Hunt For Red October game!

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog- A loving recreation of Dr. Horrible in 8-bit. Pretty awesome. A loving recreation of Dr. Horrible in 8-bit that follows the storyline and includes recreation of songs and sounds...sheer ridiculous awesome!

The Room- While all of these are definitely cool here's one you can actually play! If you've never seen the cult absurdity of The Room then you may not get the game at all, but if you have then prepare for an 8-bit tribute that is both hilarious and sad...just like the movie!

The Great Gatsby- At first this may seem weird, but all in all...kind of genius.

-Astroboy

A Trip In The Way Back Machine

2011-02-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

Ah, the 90's! A simpler time when Saturday Morning cartoons were in their prime and the war on drugs was still in effect. Who better to explain to children the harmful effect drugs can have on your life then cartoons! You see in 1990 a special PSA came out called Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, which involved tons of Saturday morning cartoons coming to life to help out a teen using drugs by pretty much re-creating a loose reenactment of A Christmas Carol. If you've never seen it, it's full of a strange nostalgia mixed up with a heavy dose of weirdness...

What We Learned:

-Drugs will often take the form of a nefarious smooth talking smoke cartoon in a suit who demands you do their bidding.

-Despite living in mushroom houses the Smurfs don't approve of drugs.

-When Bugs Bunny suggests you get in a time machine, you've probably done too many drugs.

-Doing drugs consistently is like being pumped up with a air pump until you explode.

-Taking a roller coaster ride through your brain with the Muppet babies is perfectly acceptable if it's powered by your imagination and not drugs.

-The best way to say no is through song.

-Doing drugs is like being in a freaky carnival filled with razor blades, demons, and a gigantic Miss Piggy sucking you through a straw and spitting you out.

-The only way to defeat Winnie the Pooh is by trapping him in a closet.

-Astroboy

Sad Moments In Comic Book History: Steampunk Palin

2011-02-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

Steampunk Palin #1

Simply look at that cover. Go ahead, take a good long look at it. I'll wait...

Done? After soaking in that bizarre spandex clad Sarah Palin holding a 50's looking space gun doo-dad I'm sure a whirlwind of emotions overcame you. Confusion, anger, disbelief, sadness, amusement of some sort. Any and all of these feelings are completely natural I assure you. Let me also assure you that Steampunk Palin is a head scratchingly weird parody with little to no audience in that folks who are into steampunk probably don't like or care about Sarah Palin, while supporters of Sarah Palin have no idea what the hell steampunk is. In fact I have two solid theory's as to why this was made:

1. The publisher lost some sort of bet with another publisher
2. This is all some sort of joke taken too far

Whatever the case may be this exists and I assure you the inside story is just as surreally absurd as that cover. You see the world has run out of oil, so Sarah Palin champions the alternative energy power of steam to save us. Except some shadowy bunch of oil barons blow her up. Naturally she survives as some sort of cyborg and teams up with an equally robotic Obama whose called...wait for it...Robama! Get it cuz he's a robot and that's his name...*ahem*. So Robama informs her that Alaska is being threatened by Russians and oil/nuclear companies for some reason.

If all of that isn't groan worthy the big reveal is that the shady evil individual running the oil/nuclear companies is none other than Al Gore! Of course it is. As if all of this doesn't leave you wanting more the creators decided to include sexy pinups of Sarah Palin in provocative poses dressed to the nines in steampunk garb. Never mind that pinups in comic books haven't been popular since 1995 or so. So there you have it. I can now safely say I have looked into the mouth of utter madness that is Steampunk Palin and lived to tell the tale...except for the last little piece of dignity that has died inside of me.

-Astroboy

Even More Video Games That Should Be Remade

2011-02-16T10:00:00.000-08:00

A while back I did a post on video games that need to be remade. Well five just didn't cut it, so here's some more old school games that have the potential of being awesome if remade!

Bushido Blade

My friends and I would huddle around the TV for hours playing massive amounts of Bushido Blade. Often the winner would keep the controller to face another challenger. With Bushido Blade there was rarely a person who mastered it due to the simple challenge of the one hit kill. Being able to knock out an opponents arm or toss sand in their face not only made matches more interesting, but also leveled the playing field. So why hasn't someone souped up the graphics to this unique fighting game similar to say the latest Tekken, while keeping the game play intact?

Marble Madness

A few months back (when my Wii Fit wasn't collecting dust) I was playing one of the mini games that involved shifting your weight to move a marble in hole when it dawned on me...why the hell isn't there a Marble Madness game for Wii? I mean it seems like a no brainer! It could incorporate the balance board or Wiimote and include some physics bending levels ala Mario Galaxy. Better yet include a build your own level to challenge your friends to play!

Destruction Derby

Let's face it crashing cars up in video games never gets old! While Destruction Derby was pretty much a one trick pony, it was still awesome to roam around in free for all mode crashing into everything in sight. Tweak the graphics and tighten up the driving a bit along with adding some mini challenges similar to Burnout and tell me that's not a game that people would devour. Why the online multiplayer alone would be worth the price of admission...

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

I'm probably a bit biased when it comes to this one seeing as I love anything Buffy related, but I quite liked the game above (though I admit the camera was a bit annoying and the controls were clunky at times). So why not reboot the franchise using old Buffy writers to flesh out the plot and use the same style of fighting as say Arkham Asylum? While it may not target a broad audience it would still be a bad ass addition to both the TV show and comics.

Evil Dead

As much as I like Evil Dead the last game that came out was sort of...meh. However hear me out...Lego Evil Dead. Take all three movies from the franchise and make everything Lego like they did with Star Wars and Harry Potter! This. Needs. To. Happen.

-Astroboy

#19 Timerider: The Adventures of Lyle Swann

2011-02-07T08:54:00.000-08:00

#19 Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann

Timerider: The Adventures of Lyle Swann is your typical movie about a dirt bike racer who gets lost during a race and stumbles across a time travel experiment that sends him back 100 years in the past to the old west. As hilarious as that may sound, I guarantee you it's utterly painful to watch. In fact it's about as awkward as the comically long title. To make matters more surreal it was written by Michael Nesmith of The Monkees fame.

The beginning consists of our hero Lyle Swann driving around on his dirt bike, apparently in some type of race. You know he's relatively famous because most of the shots of him not driving around aimlessly in the desert involve people saying his name repeatedly (in case you missed it in the title). Apparently he's the worst dirt bike racer on the planet since he gets lost, even with a high tech motorcycle helmet that doesn't really do anything. Meanwhile in what appears to be another movie some scientist looking types in some sort of room with a strobe light are sending a monkey back in time for some reason and wouldn't you know it Lyle Swann gets sent back 100 years in time!

The "adventures" the title alludes to involve: giving an old man a heart attack, skinny dipping, getting shot at by outlaws, terrifying a Mexican village who think he's some sort of devil, having sex with a woman from said village, getting the woman he just had sex with and his motorcycle stolen by said bandits, getting a posse together to save both motorcycle and woman. It should be noted that at no point and time in the movie does Lyle Swann actually realize that he has traveled back in time! It's like being shot at by cowboys is completely normal to him. By the end our hero has saved the woman but is dangerously low on gas, trapped on a cliff and the bandits have him cornered. It looks like certain doom except the scientists have somehow traveled back in time IN A HELICOPTER!!!! That's right the helicopter blades chop up the bad guy and Lyle Swann is saved.

At this point if you've never seen Timerider you're probably like, "That sounds awful there is no way a movie could get any worse"...except there can! [SPOILER ALERT] You know that woman he randomly had sex with, well after doing the nasty he tells a story about a necklace he's wearing that has been passed down through his family. Flashback to the ending when Lyle Swann is on the chopper and he hands the woman his necklace! That's right...Lyle Swann is his own great great grandfather! I'm 100% serious...it actually implies that he banged his great great grandmother. So there you have it Timerider: The Adventures of Lyle Swann has it all...dirt bikes, time travel, cowboys, paradoxical incest...I mean really what more could you want out of a movie?

-Astroboy

Oh, Snow!

2011-02-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

For the first time in about 10 years or so I actually have a snow day due to the impending ass load of snow that's about to get dumped on the Midwest over the next 24 hours or so. In honor of the upcoming blizzard here are some random weather sites:

Star Wars Weather: Simply type in your city and this lovely site compares where you live to a location in the Star Wars universe. Right now I wish I was on Tatooine or Endor...

Zombie Weather: Finally some genius combined two things that don't really make sense together...zombies and weather!

Fucking Weather: Straight to the point and profane...really what more do you need?

Perhaps the best part of all this is the hard hitting news such as this one which asks the very serious question of "What should we name the Blizzard"? Dear god...Snowgasm!? How many people did it take to come up with that? If you want more random silly apocalyptic names for it snowing a lot just go here.

As for me since I'm just going to go here and huddle up on the couch with some cocoa...

-Astroboy

Words Escape Me At The Moment

2011-01-27T17:40:00.000-08:00

What you are about to see is perhaps one of the greatest achievements in cinematic history:

I...can't...even...form...words...now! That was a scene from an Indian film called Enthiran (The Robot) and if you didn't watch the entire clip it's like if The Matrix and Transformers had an explosive over the top robot baby!

As an added bonus if you watch the trailer there is also what appears to be some choreographed robot dancing. Why am I not watching this movie right this very second?

-Astroboy

Underrated Films Vol. 14

2011-01-25T08:42:00.001-08:00

Head

Two years before Head The Monkees were brought together by Bob Rafelson who wanted to make a TV show in a similar vein as The Beatles film A Hard Day's Night. After casting The Monkees the TV show became a hit mixing corny sweet unobjectionable story lines with bits of the band playing songs which become hits. However by the middle of the second season the members of The Monkees wanted to change the format of the show into more of a variety show, which NBC disagreed with and by 1968 the TV show had been canceled. Which brings us to Head. Directed by Rafelson and written along with Jack Nicholson, Head is an experimental hodge podge of a film that not just looked to change the clean cut public image of The Monkees, but completely obliterate it.

Essentially Head has no actual plot and is just a series of vignettes that follow The Monkees around in a stream of consciousness style trying to make a film that hops around tons of film genres. It's this surreal psychedelic playfulness that helps keep the movie lively and interesting, whether walking into a Western or falling into a war scene or getting trapped inside a giant vacuum cleaner. It creates an unconventional chaotic structure to the entire film that attempts to buck traditional Hollywood standards. However bizarre it may get however there are plenty of tongue and cheek ideas floating around. As much of an oddity as Head may seem a lot of scenes can easily be seen as a deconstruction of their brief career. Being chased and caught in a black box parallels their frustration with TV. Mocking their waning fame by being in a dandruff commercial. Why even a song parodies their TV theme with lyrics that make fun of their "manufactured image".

Not surprisingly Head bombed at the box office due to it's unstructured psychedelic format that most audiences found confusing. Ironically in trying to change their image it also alienated teenagers who loved the bubble gum pop of the show and was dismissed by the more adult audience (re: hippies) that only knew The Monkees as a product of the media. Perhaps even more strange was the fact that many promotional pieces for the film failed to mention The Monkees at all, while a TV commercial for the film featured a man staring at the camera for 30 seconds with the word Head appearing on his forehead. Obviously this minimalist promotion didn't help matters much.

To add insult to injury two years later came the emergence of the Midnight movies that thrived on the bizarre and became more popular throughout the 70's. Head would later become somewhat of a cult classic when it became available on video. In the end Head is a film that unspools like a dream and comments on everything from war, big business, entertainment and even how the artists themselves are perceived. It snubs it's nose at any sense of classic Hollywood storytelling and presents itself in a gleefully anarchic way. Most of all it's ambitious...even if if makes little to no sense at all.

-Astroboy

Worst of the Worst: Lifetime Movies

2011-01-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

The Client List

The Client List features Jennifer Love Hewitt as a mother of three whose husband has hurt himself at work and financially has fallen on hard times. So she does what any mother would do in that situation, she gets a part time job, clips coupons and goes through expenses to properly budget...just kidding! She becomes a prostitute! Not only does the extra income allow her to lavish her family with gifts, but she also becomes addicted to cocaine. Like all good things though the massage parlor she works at gets busted and she must make the hardest choice of all outing her clients...or getting her family back! Jennifer Love Hewitt actually got nominated for a Golden Globe for this, proving how worthless Golden Globes are.

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Quick what's the number one threat to teenagers? You probably said drugs or something like that. According to Cyber Seduction it's getting addicted to internet pornography of course! You see the main character is a popular high school swimmer who has a steady girlfriend, but likes something that no sixteen year old boy has ever enjoyed...pornography! It gets so bad that he racks up his parents credit card, gets kicked off the swim team and gets beat up. So he goes to the swimming pool to drown himself and realizes how much he has to live for. No seriously...that's what happens.

The Boy She Met Online

Pornography isn't the only thing to be wary of online, there's also convicts who want to chat and seduce your daughters. It's a typical teenage girl who meets a college boy online who ends up being in prison type of story. To make things even better he's just getting out. Since the preview pretty much tells you the entire plot. They "fall in love" much against her mothers wishes and his old life creeps back. I can only assume that the movie ends with him going back to jail for a crime or him going to jail for dating a minor. Either that or he dies or something...you know what I don't even care...

Honeymoon With Mom

Man, all this depressing subject matter! How about something more light-hearted like being stood up at the altar on your wedding day...oh. *Sigh* So after the already mentioned being stood up the main character decides to go on her honeymoon with her Mom. According to the preview much awkward comedy and shenanigans ensue, along with both ladies finding some love. I'm assuming this is a set up for Honeymoon With Mom 2, where they both accidentally go to the same place for their honeymoon or something...

Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear

Unsurprisingly there is nothing in the way of actual footage of the above film on the intertubes, but let's just assume that it's about a baby sitter who is being stalked. It doesn't really matter what it's about because look at that godawful title. Seriously that is hands down the worst movie title I think I've ever heard of in my entire life. There must be hundreds of titles that would be better than Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear. If I was going to name it I'd go for something less ridiculous like... Look Who's Stalking or...you know what scratch that. Why didn't they just call it Sound of Fear? That way it just sounds like a bad 80's horror movie.

-Astroboy

One Hit Wonders Vol. 3

2011-01-18T11:00:00.000-08:00

The Artist: Urban Dance Squad

Their Hit: In 1990 Dutch band Urban Dance Squad came out with their debut album Mental Floss for the Globe, which was a eclectic hodge-podge of tunes that borrowed from all musical genres. Everything from rap to rock to salsa to ska to jazz to reggae to funk to...well you get the point. A year later in 1991 their first single Deeper Shade of Soul became a modest hit state side and perfectly shows in four minutes their playful blend of these genres. From the mariachi horns in the beginning to the jazz funk baseline that compliments the laid back drawl of MC Rudeboy Remmington Deeper Shade of Soul slinks along before blowing up into an exuberant chorus.

What Happened?: Well...grunge happened. By the time Deeper Shade of Soul charted in the U.S. it was March of 1991 and 6 months later both Pearl Jam released Ten followed a month later by Nirvana releasing Nevermind. After a second album was released to little acclaim later in the year their third album attempted to focus on a more "grunge" sound and after releasing two more albums they had split up by 2000. However it's apparent that their genre mashing of musical styles didn't fall on deaf ears with bands as diverse as 311, Rage Against the Machine and Sublime finding success and obviously owing some sort of debt to Urban Dance Squad.

-Astroboy

NFL Playoff Predictions

2011-01-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

Well seeing as this weekend brings the NFL playoffs I figured I'd throw in my picks for who'll be advancing and getting one more step closer to the Big Show. Instead of boring you with stats, possible injuries and anything that may be relevant to how the teams may actually do on the field I'll be focusing on the most important thing that often gets forgotten by football analysts. Of course I'm basing my prediction on who has the worst NFL team theme song!

You see back in 1985 the Chicago Bears were the juggernauts of the NFL and to prove this released The Superbowl Shuffle which for some inexplicable reason became a minor hit. If that wasn't weird enough more NFL teams started to record their own terrible songs and suddenly an odd fad of NFL teams attempting to sing happened. Anyway I figured that the best way to predict who would win in the playoffs would be to look at each song...with the worst one winning. Obviously teams who are already eliminated are not eligible, since if they were I would predict the Miami Dolphins every year to win it all! Now let's look at the match ups:

Chicago Bears: Super Bowl Shuffle: As I mentioned up top the Superbowl Shuffle is the preeminent NFL team song that's remembered to this day. What made it so special? The awkward shuffle dance? Mike Singletarys spoken word section? Jim McMahon's ridiculously cool shades? Number 8 playing a cowbell while wearing a hat? No doubt all these things and more helped the Bears shuffle into the Super Bowl, but most importantly...our hearts!

Seattle Seahawks: Locker Room Rock: In the same vein of awkwardness comes the 1985 Seahawks out of tune ode which seems to be some sort of bizarro version of Yakkity Yak. The obvious highlight is a shirtless saxophone player wailing away in the showers with steam coming out of the sax for some reason...

Winner: It's pretty close, but I'm going to have to go with the original here...Da Bears!

Green Bay Packers: Come Together Green Bay: Surprisingly the Pack doesn't really have an embarrassing video of past teams singing, however a fan did post a loving rendition to the tune of The Beatles Come Together with altered Packer specific lyrics to cheer on Green Bay this year.

Atlanta Falcons: Falcons on Top: The Falcons on the other hand spent a little more attention to detail when it came to overblown team songs by hiring Sevendust to bring their own version of radio friendly alternative metal-ish charisma into the mix. It's basically 2 1/2 minutes of Sevendust rocking out with cheerleaders gyrating around them and tons of MTV camera angles.

Winner: Atlanta Falcons

Baltimore Ravens: Get Your Caw Out: The Ravens are another team sorely lacking in the singles department. That didn't stop somebody from making a mediocre rap song that name checks Willis McGahee and Ed Reed, while also including a a section with woofing like dogs.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Here We Go: One would imagine that the Steelers song would be all in your face metal with shredding guitar solos by Cannibal Corpse or something. Instead a plodding bass line is followed by what sounds like a some bored people singing the chorus.

Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers

New York Jets: Rex's Gang Green: Stealing a play from the Ravens playbook comes a lazy rap song that has a vocoder and everything. Oh, it also attempts to rhyme quarterback Mark Sanchez's last name with franchise. Also I'm not sure about naming a song referring to a team you love that is a reference to a serious infection that can sometimes result in amputation.

New England Patriots: New England, The Patriots and We: In response to the Super Bowl Shuffle the Patriots attempted to one up them with their own hit...which fails as miserably as the Pats did in the Super Bowl against the Bears.

Winner: New England Patriots

Well there you have it! As an added bonus I'm calling next years Super Bowl early Oakland Raiders Vs. St. Louis Rams

Update: Hmmm, 2 for 2! Not too shabby!

-Astroboy

Underrated Albums Vol. 37

2011-01-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

Mos Def & Talib Kweli Are Black Star

By 1998 with the deaths of Tupac in 1996 and Notorious B.I.G. in 1997 rap was at a crossroads after seeing the actual aftermath of gangster rap in the early to mid-90's. Gone were the days of gangster rap that focused on violence and empty threats. It was almost as if there was a changing of the guard. Both Outkast and Jay-Z had mainstream success that year, but an album also came out by Black Star that originally flew under the radar. Fronted by Mos Def and Talib Kweli, Black Star was not just a throw back to hop-hop acts like Tribe and Digable Planets sound wise but also an attempt to honestly look at rap and it's affect on society and culture.

Obviously this theme is nothing new in hip hop with KRS-One, Grandmaster Flash and Slick Rick (just to name a few) having done it in the past. However with both Tupac and Biggie's deaths so fresh a lot of Black Star seems to be a reflection of the aftermath, along with philosophical musings on how to change it. Tracks like Definition and Re: DEFinition not only name checks the slain MC's, but also acts as a stern plea against violence. Other songs act as an intelligent response to most hip-hop stereotypes such as materialism (Children's Story), objectification of women (Brown Skin Lady), and pointless threats (Hater Players).

The two stand out tracks are K.O.S. (Determination) which urges listeners to ignore glamorizing negative thug stereotypes in hip hop and instead focus on bettering oneself through knowledge (the K.O.S. stands for knowledge of self). In the same vein is Thieves In The Night which is a scathingly laid back track that philosophically looks at many of the themes that reverberate through the entire album. Throughout Mos Def and Talib Kweli confidently trade lines with the ease of poets in an almost lyrical double dutch.

Commercially Mos Def & Talib Kweli Are Black Star went unnoticed when it originally came out. Part of the reason in my opinion is that there isn't really a blatantly hooky single. In fact much of the album could easily be seen as each track adding to a whole and building upon each other. Given time however Black Star helped usher in a resurgence of positive thought provoking hip-hop with acts like J5 and Blackilicious putting out albums shortly after. Surprisingly there hasn't been a follow up (though there have been rumors of a second album) despite both Mos Def and Talib Kweli putting out decent solo efforts. Overall however Black Star is a breath of fresh compared to the occasionally stagnant sound of commercial hip hop.

Essential Tracks: Definition, Astronomy (8th Light), Respiration, K.O.S. (Determination), Thieves In The Night, Twice Inna Lifetime

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2011-01-05T17:15:00.000-08:00

If you ever wanted to see a music video featuring a viking marching band, laser guitars, and shogun robot boats fighting...well then consider this your lucky day!

-Astroboy

Best of 2010

2011-01-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

Well we're a few days into 2011 and I figured I'd throw in my two cents on some of my favorite pop culture stuff that came out last year (better late than never right?). While yes I still haven't seen True Grit yet or gotten around to playing Mass Effect 2 I did highly enjoy the following. Oh and feel free to throw out a comment on what you enjoyed over the last year!

Movies:

Inception: When it comes to big budget Hollywood summer blockbusters in this day and age it's a rarity to see something that is an original idea, not based on some preexisting media (TV show, sequel, comic book etc.) or in 3-D. However Inception managed to do just that by presenting a movie that was smart, dazzling and highly entertaining. While it may seem like an obvious choice, it was refreshing to see a film come out (and do well) that wasn't a cookie cutter studio movie.

Black Swan: I was a tad skeptical going into a psychological ballet thriller but Darren Aronofsky continues to mesmerize by blurring reality with the fantastical in his films, along with getting the most out of Natalie Portman's performance. Creepy and lovely all at the same time.

Toy Story 3: Usually by the third film of an animated series it's just a cash grab to sell more Happy Meals and lazily put out a ho-hum film that kids will drag parents simply because they've seen the first two 1000 times. Pixar however created an excellent ending to a wonderful series with characters that many viewers literally grew up watching. By the end of the film it feels genuine with the same humor, wit and craftsmanship as was put into the first two films.

Kick Ass: Out of all the films of 2010 I watched this three or four times, mainly because my wife loves it (seriously!). What makes it insanely awesome is every scene that Chloe Morentz is in as Hit Girl. Nothing like a little kid cussing and killing bad guys!

Exit Through The Gift Shop: It figures that elusive graffiti artist Banksy would make a documentary that reflects his art. What starts off as a standard documentary on graffiti artists slowly morphs into a critique on how to manipulate people into seeing something as art...or does it?

TV:

Boardwalk Empire: After the first few episodes I was on the fence, but then around episode four or five everything started falling into place plot wise. From it's lavish detail to the roaring 30's to the excellent supporting cast Boardwalk continued the tradition of well made HBO shows.

Community: As awesome as season 1 was with season 2 Community hands down became one of the funniest half hour sitcoms on television. Seriously do yourself a favor and watch this show.

The Walking Dead: Despite being only 6 episodes long The Walking Dead still did a nice job balancing developing characters and killing zombies in each episode. In fact a group of friends and I would meet on Sundays just to watch it...which is a rarity in this day and age.

Books:

The Passage by Justin Cronin: Pretty much like The Walking Dead except set in a futuristic wasteland with vampires. I admit I didn't read many "new" books this year, but this one was a page turner that left me yearning for book 2 of this supposed trilogy to come out ASAP.

Music:

The Books-The Way Out: I already spent an entire Underrated Albums on this one...but still it's fantastic!

Cee Lo Green-The Lady Killers: Even including the catchy hilarity of Fuck You, the rest of the album is ridiculously good. Drenched in soul that's a throw back to the by gone days of Motown it's that rare album that sounds retro and contemporary all rolled up into one.

Video Games:

Red Dead Redemption: The one game I looked forward to certainly lived up to the hype. Whether stopping a random hold up, getting into a duel, hunting buffalo, playing poker or dragging someone through town on your horse. Red Dead presented an insane amount of options when playing. The storyline alone made for a wonderful game, but all the subtle intricacies and character interactions made it simply amazing!

-Astroboy

Happy Holidays, But Remember...

2010-12-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

...watch out for zombies!

-Astroboy

Not So Special Christmas Specials

2010-12-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

With Christmas only a few days away at some point you'll no doubt watch a Christmas classic like say The Grinch Who Stole Christmas or A Charlie Brown Christmas. You know the type of classic holiday specials that only come around once a year that add that special magic to the season? Well consider the following to be the opposite of that beloved Christmas classic in that you no doubt wanted to watch that channel with the Yule Log on it rather than any of the following:

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas: A slapped together direct to video monstrosity that came out at the height of "Turtle-mania" in the 90's in which the Ninja Turtles have to find a present for Splinter. We Wish You A Turtle Christmas has everything: Turtles decorating a tree, Turtles singing opera, a gigantic rat singing the Twelve Days of Christmas with a choir of children in a sewer. If after all that you're still not convinced at the awfulness of We Wish You A Turtle Christmas just look up top...really that pretty much sums it up.

The Star Wars Holiday Special: The Star Wars Holiday Special is the epitome of awful holiday specials. It's like a low budget 70's variety show set in the Star Wars universe. The main plot involves Han and Chewie going to Chewbacca's home planet for "Life Day" (aka Christmas). It's a hodge podge of weirdness that features Bea Arthur, a cartoon featuring Boba Fett, Princess Leia singing...you name it! It's only been shown on TV once and pretty much anyone associated with it refuses to talk about it as if it was an embarrassing drunk weekend in Cabo that's better left forgotten.

Garbage Pail Kids- Chris Messin' August: Surprisingly despite the flop of a movie the Garbage Pail Kids had an 80's cartoon which never aired in the US due to parents complaining and sponsors pulling out. However there is a DVD of all the cartoons as they aired overseas out and this episode features the aptly named Chris Mess trying to ruin Christmas, so of course the Garbage Pail Kids team up with Santa. If you ever wanted to see a kid holding his disembodied head or a girl with no face trying to save Christmas, well then this is the holiday special for you...

A Cosmic Christmas: A 70's Canadian Christmas special that features a boy and his pet goose (I'm sure it's mandatory that everyone in Canada has a pet goose) who stumble across three weird aliens and teach them the true meaning of the season...seriously that's what it's about...hey the 70's were a heady time!

Kathie Lee's Rockin' Tots Cafe: A Christmas Gift: As if the title wasn't a dead give away, apparently in the mid-90's Kathie Lee Gifford had a kids show that was like a watered down rip off of Pee-Wee's Playhouse that takes place in a restaurant. If that last sentence didn't make you weep tears of sorrow for the concept alone then perhaps the linked clip of her awkwardly rapping Twas The Night Before Christmas will! I'm fairly certain most of those kids are in therapy now...

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2010-12-15T11:09:00.000-08:00

Every holiday season you hear the same old worn out versions of holiday standards...boooooring! I mean one can only hear Angels We Have Heard On High so many times before you want to gift wrap your ears shut, right?

Well Christmas came early this year thanks to Theocracy who are a prog Christian power metal band who decided to do a Christmas medley of classics a few years back chock full of weird time signatures and extended over the top guitar solos!

So if you ever wanted to hear a Christian prog metal version of Oh Holy Night...and really who hasn't?...your prayers have been answered!

-Astroboy

Worst Of The Worst: Christmas Food

2010-12-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

With all the great things that go along with the holidays also come the...um...inedible things that have for whatever reason become staples of holiday tradition. Consuming any of the following would be as pleasurable as shoving a sharpened candy cane in my eye.

Fruit Cake

Simply looking at Fruit Cake is unsettling enough, but actually eating it...well let's just say it looks just like it tastes. Most fruit cakes contain dried fruits, nuts and occasionally booze mixed in. I suspect the booze is to make it more edible. Also a loaf of fruit cake is the equivalent size and weight as a brick, with pretty much the same consistency when eaten. In my mind getting a fruit cake for Christmas is worse than getting coal.

Eggnog

You either love eggnog or you hate it. There is no in between. In my opinion eggnog makes me want to gag...seriously I have trouble actually drinking it because it is so sickly sweet with the texture of bile. Also no amount of brandy or whiskey is going to convince me to partake in drinking some eggnog.

Hard Ribbon Candy

Hard ribbon candy were little square pillows or rectangles that my Grandma used to keep in her candy dish each Christmas. As with any hard candy you'd suck on it for a bit, but when you bit these hard candies it was the equivalent of having a mouthful of glass shards that when not cutting up your gums would get embedded into the crevices of your teeth for days.

Christmas Pudding

Christmas pudding is a tradition that needs to stop! Basically it is steamed pudding that is mixed with dried nuts or fruits. I've had various kinds and the main problem for me is that it's ridiculously dry! Sure you could drizzle some sauce or light it on fire with brandy, but then you're simply eating a dry cake soaked in alcohol and/or covered in sweet sauce.

Lutefisk

I've only tried Lutefisk once and there's a reason for that! A typical Norwegian/Swedish dish it is whitefish that has been prepared in lye and takes a couple weeks to bathe in water before it's even ready to cook. It also has the second worst texture that I've ever tasted in my entire life (the first being head cheese) in that it is as if someone made salty fish jello that has the consistency of snot. If you doubt my description then just look at it! Seriously...

-Astroboy

One Hit Wonders Vol. 2

2010-12-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

The Artist: Elmo & Patsy

The Hit: When it comes to classic holiday songs most are sweet and sentimental, encapsulating wistful memories of holidays gone by. Which makes the popularity of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer even more bizarrely hilarious. For all intents and purposes Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer is a giddy tongue in cheek novelty song that paints a picture of holiday dysfunction at it's best. It's the holiday equivalent of a Jeff Foxworthy joke focusing on a drunk on eggnog Grandma who stumbles outside into a blizzard and is struck and killed by Santa and his sleigh. As bleak as that sounds it became a hit mainly due to the silly lyrics and psychotically up beat tempo that made it pure holiday kitsch. Elmo & Patsy started playing it in their bluegrass band live and it wasn't until they made a video for it on MTV in the early 80's that it grew in popularity leading to an album named after their big hit that's a mix of Christmas classics and goofy Christmas songs in a similar vein to Grandma... which sold an obscene amount of copies when it was released in 1984.

What Happened: Basically Elmo & Patsy got divorced, but to be fair I'm sure it would be hard to write a follow up to a playful novelty holiday song that sold millions. However Elmo has released multiple albums that seem to look to corner that market under the moniker Dr. Elmo (including an album called Redneck Dracula), along with remixing his titular hit in early 2000 (which you can actually see up top mixed with the original video).

-Astroboy

Geeky Christmas Ideas

2010-12-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

My good friends over at the radio show Clobberin' Time were kind enough to ask me to contribute a short piece on what to get friends who are Closet Nerds/Square Relatives for Christmas. You can listen to said show here. Anyway I thought it would be fun to throw up some links to some of the items I was referring to. As always I in no way, shape or form have anything to do with these sites, I simply think they have some cool stuff that would make excellent holiday gifts for that hard to shop for nerd!

Closet Nerd Friends:

Star Trek Nerd Friend Who Likes Pizza: Star Trek Enterprise Pizza Cutter

Star Wars Friend Who Likes Sushi: Star Wars Light Saber Chopsticks

Friend Who You Don't Really Want To Spend Money On, But They Seem Like A Good Person: Lego Ornaments

Friend Who Has A Cold Face And/Or Really Wants To Look Like Wolverine: Marvel Superhero Ski Masks

Friend Who Loves Muppets: Make Your Own Muppet

Friend Who Doesn't Really Know That Much About Comics: Marvel Essentials or Ultimate Marvel Trades

Friend Who Can Quote All The Words To Monty Python And The Holy Grail: Killer Bunny Slippers

Friend Who Is A Grinch: Grinch Converse Allstars

Friend Who Believes that One Day The Old One's Will Come Down And Smote Us All: Cthulhu Wreath

Square Relatives:

A Sibling That's Hard To Shop For: Ugly Christmas Sweaters

That Relative You Have No Idea What To Get For: A Box From The Something Store

The Old Man: A Christmas Story Leg Lamp Light Up Tie

Your Mom: Pac-Man cookie cutters

-Astro

Underrated Albums Vol. 36

2010-12-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

The Books
The Way Out

It may be a tad premature to label The Way Out as underrated just yet. I mean it just came out this summer, but in reality it's highly unlikely that The Books are going to break into The Top 40 or Billboard charts. Listening to the Books is in a way sort of like looking at an abstract painting. Some people love the experimentation with sound, while others may just hear sporadic noise. Different strokes for different folks. I admit I've listened to their second album The Lemon of Pink and didn't really like it that much. However with their fourth album The Books have taken that odd tapestry of sound they construct and polished it, making it even more playful and less abstract.

The Books are two artists. One who plays cello and the other who plays guitar/vocals, while interweaving obscure samples from pretty much anything they can get their hands on. From the self help tapes that litter the opening track Group Autogenics I to the kids talking shit to each other behind a frantic pulsating beat in A Cold Freezin' Night. In fact the entire album is a wealth of backwards looping, chanting, droning...really you name it it's in there. The soulful sample that cuts through the 70's funk of I Didn't Know That is as prominent as the glitchy weird math chamber music that flows around the chanting of Beautiful People. There's even a quick message from Gandhi in the middle of the album.

The highlights however are the playful The Story of Hip Hop, which takes samples from a children's book about a rabbit and mashes them together with mournful horns emerging from big electronic drum beats only to turn into a mish mashed amalgamation of noise that seems to tease at teetering on the brink of falling apart. The other stand out track is the whispery mournful Free Translator, which is one of the only songs with vocals on the album. Most of the lyrics are as senseless as the collage of samples they put together, but unlike the rest of the tracks this one is sparse with the only sample sounding both triumphant and sad at once.

The Way Out shows a band who continues to make interesting experimental music that is wholly original. So far it's been one of my favorite albums of 2010...but who knows give it a few years and it may be more well known (as I said before I am sort of jumping the gun here).

Essential Tracks: Autogenics I, I Didn't Know That, A Cold Freezin' Night Beautiful People, I Am Who I Am, The Story of Hip Hop, Free Translator

-Astroboy

Worst Of The Worst: Video Game Levels

2010-11-30T08:00:00.000-08:00

When it comes to video games everyone loves a challenge! However sometimes that challenge can make you leave teeth marks in your controller and make up curse words to inexplicably shout at the television in disgusted rage, only to pick up the controller for the hundredth time to soldier through. Face it when it comes to some video games there are some levels that feel like a punishment equivalent to making your head want to explode.

Well what follows are 5 video game levels that gave me fits! Just to make things clear in this case I'm not referring to worst as bad at all, but simply frustrating. In fact I love all the following games dearly and spent hours upon hours enjoying them. Also these are all games that I've played. I realize that there are probably harder levels in other games, but if I didn't include it that means I didn't play it (which shows that I'm probably one of the few who never played Battle Toads for NES). Last but not least all of these are pretty subjective obviously. Some folks may agree or disagree, but in any case feel free to leave a level that drove you crazy that I may have missed in the comments!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)-Water Level

It seems that the Water Level (aka the Dam Level) in TMNT was simply inserted to make you lose a couple turtles, ultimately making the rest of the game short of impossible. Either that or it was created solely to make you have some sort of mental breakdown. Whatever the reason the Water Level involved trying to precariously make your way through an underwater maze filled with electric plants, really long electric stick things, and electric booby traps so you could disable bombs. To make matters more infuriating there was a time limit that mentally made you feel like you needed to hurry along. In fact I'm surprised that this level didn't put me into therapy as an 11 year old.

Grand Theft Auto San Andreas (PS2)-Supply Lines

There's "Challenging" and then there's "What. The. Fuck." Supply Lines falls squarely into the latter category. In fact just seeing that screen shot above instantly made my eye twitch and reflexively come close to punching my monitor repeatedly. The level involves taking a toy plane and flying around shooting at various things and then flying back to a building. Easy right? Add on to the fact that you have a fuel gauge combined with a time limit and it's next to impossible. Either you run out of fuel or you run out of time. Factor in the fact that the actual controls to fly are touchy at best and it makes it improbable? I probably spent a total of 3 to 4 hours on this mission alone and by the time I almost got to landing the plane only to have my time ran out was the closest I've actually come to throwing a console out of a window. Seriously taking the cord to your controller and whipping it across your naked back would be more enjoyable than Supply Lines.

Mike Tyson's Punch Out! (NES)-Mike Tyson

I have a confession to make...*deep breath*...I never actually beat Mike Tyson. There I said it! Even after playing the game religiously as a kid I always choked when I got to Iron Mike. I know it's all about timing, but it seemed like whenever I got to Tyson all logic went out the window. Suddenly I forgot how any of the controls worked and no amount of Doc's useless advice could save me. Needless to say I saw the above screen a lot...

Driver (PS1)- Presidents Run

When Driver came out I played it an insane amount. My friends and I use to get together just to play the mini-game where you had to dodge all the cop cars coming for you. However the last level is pure torturous insanity. Basically you have to get the president from point A to point B across the entire map while an endless supply of cop cars chase you. To make matters worse once you avoided the roadblocks and had a minute of breathing room it seemed like five more came out of nowhere to ram into you. Once I beat Presidents Run I'm pretty sure I stood up, gave a victorious scream, spiked the controller to the ground and never touched Driver again.

Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time (N64)-Water Temple

I'll be the first to admit when it comes to reading video game maps I suck! I always think I know where I'm going and check the map to see that I'm completely wrong. With that out of the way it's not like the Water Temple was actually difficult, it was that it was fucking long and confusing which made it difficult. It seemed like every room I entered looked the exact same and the swimming was annoying (which is key since it is a WATER Temple). To make matters even worse you also had to deal with this every minute or so...

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2010-11-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

Quick! Name two F-list celebrities who should in no way, shape or form give the youth of America proper sexual advice.

Time's Up!

I guarantee you that whatever you answered was better then this:

Now that we've come back from Bizarro world, the only way to properly explain to your children sexual safety using this video is by muting the volume and explaining to your child not be dumb when it comes to sex like the people in said video! Oh, also when having this discussion try to not to use the term situation too much...especially when using it as slang to refer to genitals.

Now excuse me I have to go rock and cry in a corner now...

-Astroboy

One Hit Wonders Vol. 1

2010-11-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

In the history of music it's easy to be awed by the artists that consistently had a string of hit records. From The Beatles to Led Zeppelin to Metallica etc. So much has been written about them that they have an almost mythical status. However for me what's more interesting are the one hit wonders. The artists who had a few weeks or months with a hit song only to disappear as quickly as they emerged, only to be regulated to the discount bins and as future Trivial Pursuit questions. So consider this column a loving ode to the bands or artists who had their 15 minutes of fame and for whatever reason were never able to follow up with another hit. Some may be more obvious than others, while others may seem random. Some may make you nostalgic or at least go, "Huh, I remember that". Whatever the case may be they'll forever be remembered for leaving some sort of mark on music. With all that out of the way...

The Artist: Tripping Daisy

Their Hit: In the post grunge landscape of the mid-90's bands started emerging with a more poppy tone that started to replace the feed back drenched riffs that dominated in the early 90's. Tripping Daisy already had one album under their belt when they signed to a major label and released I Am An Elastic Firecracker in 1995. On it they had their one hit I Got A Girl, which was a catchy piece of bubble gum rock for the alternative set that used the soft loud soft template that's prevalent in tons of alternative music.

What Happened?: They made a follow up album a few years later that was a bit more experimental and showed their more psychedelic side that many critics enjoyed, but failed to find an audience mainly due to I suspect an interest in alternative music waning and being taken over by dance pop boy bands and artists in the late 90's. By the end of the 90's they disbanded after a band member died of an overdose. Some members, including the lead singer, went on to found the many membered neo-psychedelic band The Polyphonic Spree, which embellished on Tripping Daisy's sound.

-Astroboy

#20 Frankenhooker

2010-11-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

#20: Frankenhooker

At first glance Frankenhooker sounds like one of those films that gets shown on Saturday night between the hours of midnight and three in the morning on Cinemax for pubescent boys to sneak downstairs and ogle at boobies. On the other hand it also sounds like a template for a Troma movie complete with a ridiculous campy premise. It's sort of both really, though more indebted to Troma and B-movie classics like Re-Animator.

The plot involves a med school dropout (aptly named Jeffrey Franken) who has turned his mothers garage into something of mad scientist lab and creates a remote control lawn mower. Unfortunately while testing out his latest invention he runs over his girlfriend and decides the only rational thing to do is preserve her head so he can reconstruct her. Of course he decides to use the body parts of prostitutes by focusing on their love of crack! So he invents super crack, which is like regular crack...except it makes you explode. Needless to say there is a scene with many exploding hookers. After putting his girlfriend back together he finds out that she is an undead nymphomaniac who makes silly faces and starts looking for customers, which she unwittingly electrocutes. To make matters worse a pimp shows up to who isn't too pleased about his hoes exploding.

Obviously with a title like Frankenhooker the viewer shouldn't be expecting too much in the way of coherent plot. Also there is the creepy underlying fact that having relations with a Frankenstein hooker is essentially necrophilia, but hey it's called Frankenhooker for a reason. Really it's a schlocky bit of dark comedy which takes the T&A of a Russ Meyer's flick with the over the top gore of Dead Alive. Sure the dialogue can be stilted and the jokes often come off as groan worthy puns...but it does have exploding hookers. Not many other films have that!

-Astroboy

A Friendly Neighborhood Reminder...

2010-11-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

...to get out there tomorrow and vote people! But don't just take my word for it folks, listen to 90's era Spider-Man!

Remember with great power comes great responsibility!

-Astroboy

Spooky Links

2010-10-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

Seeing as Halloween is just around the corner here are some terrifyingly cool sites to get you in the...spirit! *Cue Groans* Just to be clear all of the following links are owned by their respective creators and I had nothing to do with them in any way shape or form. With that out of the way consider the following to be interweb treats!

Digital Pumpkin: Carving pumpkins can be a messy affair what with the pumpkin guts and possibility of cutting yourself with razor sharp knives. However this is the 21st century and now you can do it mess free! All you do is drag to cut whatever you want and then when your done turn on the candle. The best part is if you don't like your design or mess up you can start fresh!

Organ Trail: If you find yourself continuously asking, "When is somebody going to make the Oregon Trail but with zombies"?, well today is your lucky day! These geniuses have combined the two to make two awesome things even more...uh... awesomer!

Last Minute Halloween Costume: At least someone you know waits until the very last minute to choose a costume and they're usually a lame sheet ghost or a guy with a grocery bag on their head, however someone decided to simplify it even more by giving a cut out of everyone's favorite creepy actor...Christopher Walken!

Twilight Zone: One of my favorite shows is Twilight Zone and you can go here to gorge yourself on episodes (which is no doubt better and less fattening than candy)!

Virtual Haunted House: Don't live near a haunted house? Well no worries just turn off the lights and turn up the volume...

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2010-10-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

A few years ago a bunch of artists made a single for charity. Nothing weird about that right? Well it was a spoof on the pretentious 80's ode Do They Know It's Christmas? called Do They Know It's Hallowe'en and it featured the likes of Beck, Thurston Moore David Cross, Elvira and a cast of indie rockers! As if that wasn't strange enough the video below features some shadow monsters with zipper mouths playing table top Pac-Man.

After watching that I understand the true meaning of Halloween...um, I think...

-Astroboy

Underrated Films: Horror Edition

2010-10-26T15:40:00.000-07:00

Seeing as Halloween fast approaches I thought it would be fun to looks at some of my personal favorite horror films that may not be as well known as classics like The Exorcist or Night of the Living Dead, but still hold up in my opinion. Also I already did posts for both [REC] and The Frighteners, which are two other excellent underrated horror flicks!

Near Dark

Near Dark is a criminally overlooked 80's vampire flick that focuses on a gang of vampires who travel around in an RV terrorizing small towns. It's a unique mix of western and horror mostly seen through the eyes of Caleb, who has just been transformed after unwittingly flirting with a girl in the gang. The leader (an always great Lance Henriksen) decides to keep him around, despite him not willing to kill and his father starts to hunt the gang for his missing son. One of the highlights is Bill Paxson who is down right terrifying as the psychotic Severin! Unfortunately Near Dark failed at the box office when it was initially released, but found some new life on DVD.

The House of the Devil

The House of the Devil is a loving homage to 70's and 80's horror movie from the way the it's shot right down to the feathered hair of the protagonist. Even the plot is standard 70's/80's fair in that a college student takes a babysitting job in a creepy house where the tenants aren't quite what they seem. Obviously indebted to horror movies as diverse as Halloween, Amityville Horror and Rosemary's Baby it begins at a slow pace, but begins to psychologically ratchet up the terror as it progresses. Unfortunately it was given a limited release in theaters and no doubt suffered due to the lack of in your face gore that recent horror movies have relished in, but is still a nice creepy little film.

Wait Until Dark

I've often told folks that Wait Until Dark is the most Hitchcockian film that Hitchcock never made. It focuses on a doll stuffed with heroin that is unwittingly given to a man who takes it home to his blind wife (Audrey Hepburn who was nominated for an Oscar for the role). After the husband leaves for the weekend 3 crooks (including the sadistic Alan Arkin) construct a complex game of cat and mouse to trick the disabled woman by posing as various people to get the doll back. The last 15 minutes of the film is perhaps the most suspenseful of any movie I've seen.

Thirst

Park Chan-Wook already made his name with the over the top violent revenge story Oldboy, but with Thirst the Korean director creates a twisted vampire love story about a priest who has fallen ill with a deadly virus and receives a blood transfusion that turns him into a vampire. He also becomes entangled with a woman who convinces him to kill her husband because he beats her, but when he finds out that she was lying he kills her...only to turn her into a vampire. What follows is an odd struggle between the two revolving around what morality is when you are no longer bound by morals. Thirst also suffered from a limited release, but remains a fresh (albeit often times strange) take on the vampire mythos.

The Changeling

I'll never understand why The Changeling isn't considered a classic when it comes to horror movies. After losing his wife and daughter in an automobile accident a composer (George C. Scott) moves into a house only to discover that a poltergeist of a child is haunting the house. Everything from the moody music to the lighting adds to heighten the tension throughout the film. Some of the scenes are so simple yet so terrifying that The Changeling is one of my all time favorite psychological horror films.

So spill it what are your favorite horror films to watch this time of year?

-Astroboy

Sad Moments In Comic Book History: Promotional Comic Books

2010-10-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

Of all the strange randomness in the comic book world nothing comes close to the promotional comic book. Usually a freebie that has pretty much next to nothing to do with regular continuity to make matters even more awkward it usually shoe horned the product into the plot of the book. Mostly promotional comics were there so parents would be more inclined to purchase said product to get something free to pacify their kids for 5 to 10 minutes.

Incredible Hulk

Sponsor: Master Lock

Try if you will to ignore the Hulk comically trying to work a lock that could easily be broken using his gamma irradiated strength and instead focus on the large explosion boasting "Limited Edition 1 of 50,000"! Wow, that means only you and 49,999 kids have that comic (or there are 45,000 copies laying around a warehouse somewhere). The plot revolves around a hoodlum who has a locked suit case and runs into the Hulk, who must convince him that he's going down a bad path. Out of all the heroes I would choose to have a heart to heart conversation with it wouldn't be the Hulk.

Superman

Sponsor: Nestle Quik

Finally the team up that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER ASKED FOR!!!! So Superman is fighting the Weather Wizard and gets trapped in an impenetrable block of ice, so what does he do? Why I imagine that he would use his heat vision to melt the ice and...WRONG! Instead the Quik Bunny and some kids solve some puzzles and codes along with drinking some nice cold chocolaty Nestle Quik to save him!

Captain America

Sponsor: Campbells Soup

Not only is this sponsored by Campbell's Soup but also the U.S. Department of Energy (I know, try to contain your excitement!). The plot involves some energy sucking bad guys, which leads to the Campbell Kids going off to a Tibetan monastery to hone their ninja skills and team up with Cap to stop these energy using scum so soup can be served piping hot. Just kidding! The creepy looking kids tell a story about how Cap saves the day, while learning valuable lessons about conserving energy.

Batman

Sponsor: Onstar

Of all the superheroes that would need to use Onstars customer roadside assistance the last person is Batman because he owns the Batmobile for fucks sake! Also he's Batman! I'm sure he can use his detective skills or something in his utility belt to unlock his keys from his car. Anyway somehow the Riddler steals the Batmobile and the only person that can help Batman is Onstar for some reason....

Spider-Man

Sponsor: AIM Toothpaste

Peter Parker goes to the dentist and finds a new terrifying villain he has to battle...cavities! Then the Green Goblin comes to kidnap his dentist, who is also apparently a scientist who has invented a laser drill. Naturally a fight ensues so Spider-Man saves his dentist and learns important dental hygiene in the process. You know maybe if he used AIM he could have avoided all that...

-Astroboy

8-Bit Advice

2010-10-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

Out of all the systems over the years the original NES was pretty durable. Of course mine occasionally had problems, but these were usually fixed by:

1. Blowing into the cartridge or machine.

2. Taking a q-tip and some rubbing alcohol to clean out the inside of the cartridge

3. A complex maneuver that I created (this is probably not true...) when the red light was blinking. This involved hitting the side of the Nintendo followed by immediately pressing the reset button. After a few times...success!

What about other problems that come up though? Well thankfully back in 1991 Nintendo made a training video for people selling Nintendo products and what to do if customers have problems:

What We Learned:

-Pouring syrup on a Nintendo isn't usually covered in the warranty

-Usually the pushiest costumers are nerds

-Very rarely is the problem because of the E-prong

-Most women are confused by things like ports and controllers

-After you've successfully assisted a customer turn down all offers of pie

-Rarely is the problem with the actual product itself, most likely the customer is too stupid

-Try to up sell them by selling a fully licenced Nintendo Cleaning Kit to solve their problem

-Astroboy

Worst Of The Worst: Inanimate Horror Villains

2010-10-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

Evil Bong

Killer Inanimate Object: A Bong

To be fair Evil Bong is dubbed a horror comedy, but still any movie that involves a talking bong who's been possessed by a voodoo curse is stretching the limits of quality. So basically some college students order a cursed bong and after using it are transported to Bong World, which is basically a strip club where they are killed. Luckily Tommy Chong appears to save them and...well do I even have to continue?

Is There A Sequel: Yes

Gingerdead Man

Killer Inanimate Object: A Gingerbread Man

Gingerdead Man answers the burning question we as a collective society were afraid to ask: What would happen if the ashes of a psychotic killer were mixed together with gingerbread spice and blood then accidentally got baked into a delicious cookie? Well the answer to that my friends is that a gigantic serial killing Gingerbread Man voiced by Gary Busey would be created seeking vengeance on those who did him wrong...delicious vengeance!

Is There A Sequel: Yes

Killdozer!

Killer Inanimate Object: A Bulldozer

Killdozer! (yes the exclamation point was in the title, as if Killdozer wasn't exciting enough) was a made for TV movie that focused on some construction workers who stumble across a meteorite that has crash landed on earth. When they attempt to move it using a bulldozer it obviously becomes possessed by an unseen alien thing and goes on a killdozing rampage.

Is There A Sequel?: Suprisingly No, but I wouldn't be suprised if Hollywood made a re-make in a few years.

Trees

Killer Inanimate Object: Ummm...Trees

Before M. Knight Shyamalan terrified us with the thought of plants trying to kill us there was Trees, which is essentially Jaws except replace the shark with a tree. No seriously that's the plot! You see hikers keep dying in the woods near this small town, so a botanist shows up and decides that it's all because of "The Great White Pine". So naturally he and a lumberjack (whose name is Squint) travel into the woods to destroy the blood thirsty monster tree.

Is There A Sequel?: *Sigh*...Yes

The Refrigerator

Killer Inanimate Object: Look at the title and take a guess...

Of all the things to be scared of a refrigerator is not really that scary, unless I suppose you were trapped in one. What if the refrigerator was a demonic killing machine that could control your mind? Still not terrifying enough for you? How about if the refrigerator was...A PORTAL TO HELL!!!!

Was There A Sequel?: Thankfully No!

-Astroboy

It's Been A While

2010-10-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

So it's been relatively quiet around these parts as of late, mainly due to a wonderfully hectic month of September! However it's time to pick up the slack if you will by taking a little trip down memory lane. The year was 1991...

During this time I owned the following cassette tapes:

-The Best of Rod Stewart
-Billy Joel Storm Front
-Tom Petty Full Moon Fever
-Prince Batman Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
-MC Hammer Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em
-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie Soundtrack
-The Simpsons Sing The Blues

Despite the Tom Petty I think it's fairly safe to say that my musical tastes were an odd combination of cringe worthy weirdness. However looking over these it also makes sense. Ten year old me was simply choosing albums based on songs that he liked or movies that he had seen an obscene amount of times. I had no idea who Prince was, all I knew is that I liked the Batdance song. In fact the bulk of these albums were obviously directly due to what was the height of pop culture in 1989 and 1990 (except for the random Rod Stewart album I got for my birthday when I was 9). Obviously I was purchasing albums based on what 10 year old me liked in movies and television with the lone album purchased for a popular song or two on the radio.

Every morning I would have an hour to kill in front of the TV before walking to school. Usually a half hour was slain by watching Tiny Toon Adventures, while the other half was me simply changing channels. One crisp fall morning before school I was switching channels when I fell on MTV and the following video:

A strange thing happened after that. For the next couple of days the song was embedded into my head. I didn't know any of the words (hell I didn't even know who the hell Guns N' Roses were), but I found myself lingering on MTV during that hour before school hoping to see the video again. A few days later I saw it again and it was like something clicked. Re-watching the video I'm not sure what it was. Was it the strange soap opera drama of Axl dying and being reborn again? Slash running his car off a cliff only to have mysteriously survived playing a wicked solo on top of said cliff? The supermodel cat fight?

Whatever it was I was hooked. In my 11 year old head this was the best song ever in the history of recorded music. I went out and immediately bought the album Use Your Illusion I to listen to Don't Cry repeatedly. Then a strange thing happened...before school in the morning I began watching MTV for the hour hoping to see any Guns N' Roses video and started taking notice of other bands like Metallica, Aerosmith, Janes Addiction, Red Hot Chili Peppers etc. and I went out to look for their albums. It was like this one early 90's power ballad had opened the flood gates of music that I had no clue about...and it kept building and building. All because of one little song.

It still happens sometimes, that moment where you hear a band or song for the first time and you immediately connect with it and think to yourself, "This is badass! How have I never heard this before"? Or something to that extent...

Yesterday I was walking to work with the fall chill in the air and Don't Cry came up randomly making me smile a little, picturing little 11 year old me playing air guitar and singing it at the top of my lungs...

-Astroboy

So Apparently This Is A Thing

2010-08-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

Every so often a product comes along and revolutionizes the way that we as a society live our life. This is not one of those products...

What We Learned:

-The proper term for a face blanket is "privacy shield".

-The extra large version has Z's on it, along with a nose opening so people don't mistake you for a ghost.

-Snazzy Napper is perfect to use in the car...preferably when you are not driving it.

-It totally has pockets!

-The secret is the patented face hugging blanket technology.

-You can also use it as a cape or bib or if you're having a blind folded smelling competition!

-It's perfect for hiding your shame!

So there you go it's essentially a Snuggie for your head...welcome to the 21st century my friends!

-Astroboy

Underrated Albums Vol. 35

2010-08-26T08:11:00.001-07:00

My Morning Jacket
Z

By the time My Morning Jacket put out Z they had already had three albums under their belt and were indie rock darlings with a sound that hearkened back to Neil Young and The Band. With Z it seems that My Morning Jacket was looking to transition their sound by experimenting more with different styles that ranged from dub, prog, and even elements of funk. I admit that I pretty much ignored Z when it came out because I had heard earlier MMJ albums and was pretty indifferent to their alt-country sound. However by the time I got around to listening to Z I was impressed by the shift in musical style.

Right off the bat the album opens with Wordless Chorus, a dreamy track that devolves into guttural jubilant hooting and hollering. The weird thing however is that the tone of the album is like a mood ring, constantly changing. For example an overly dramatic track like Gideon , gives way to the foot stomping freewheeling feel of What A Wonderful Man. Tracks like the reggae tinged Off The Record and the in your face arena rock of Anytime compliment their already established sound and seems to breathe a new energetic life into them.

For me the stand out tracks are the theatrically creepy Into The Woods which languidly moves along until spiraling into a manic waltz. On the complete flip side is the sadly sweet It Beats For You, which perfectly captures the longing ache of love. When Z was released many critics gave it positive reviews, though some fans were no doubt turned off by the change in style. Also strangely enough when it came out the CD was released so that it could not be played on a computer or allow the user to create a digital copy, which caused some fans to balk (though to be fair MMJ posted on their website how to get around it and later copies did not include it). All in all Z showed a band that was not averse to getting out of their comfort zone and presented an album that was a musical step forward for them.

Essential Songs: Wordless Chorus, It Beats For You, What A Wonderful Man, Off The Record, Into The Woods, Anytime

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2010-08-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

This is either the most terrifying way to sell bananas or the most genius...I can't decide...

-Astroboy

#21 Cool As Ice

2010-08-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

#21: Cool As Ice

At this point in Vanilla Ice's career picking apart Cool As Ice is like shooting fish in a barrel. I mean one glance at the poster pretty much tells you everything you need to know. From the cheesy tag line that makes little sense to Vanilla Ice trying to look like he is casually leaning against a day glo motorcycle staring off into the distance wearing Zoobas to the statement that this is his first motion picture which:

A.) Isn't really a selling point

B.) Sort of adds an ominous threat that there will be more Vanilla Ice motion pictures in the future.

The fact of the matter is that Cool As Ice is the classic Hollywood trying to make an extra buck out of a passing pop culture fad. They no doubt saw that Vanilla Ice was the hip thing and in the middle of his 15 minutes of fame so they slapped together a movie hoping to get something out of his success at the time. The plot is essentially a blending of Rebel Without A Cause and Footloose except with Vanilla Ice on a motorcycle rapping. You see Ice plays a misunderstood character from "the wrong side of the tracks" who comes into a small town because he's fallen for a girl who has no interest in him. As cliched as the plot is the thing that makes it unwatchable is that Vanilla Ice pretty much plays the character as an aloof douchebag who is too cool for everyone. Whether he is knocking the girl off her horse after scaring it with his motorcycle, spouting off inane pick up lines (the most famous being "Ditch the zero and get with a hero"), or simply hopping onstage during a dance to do an impromptu rap. He does all these things with a rascally Bugs Bunny "Ain't I a stinker" way about him to impress her and ultimately win her over, when in actuality he's pretty much being a dick.

By the time an inane subplot about the girls father being in the witness protection program comes into play, well I think it's safe to say that line pretty much gives you an idea of the level of awfulness that comes into play. Apparently not only did the film tank at the box office, but even the director disowned it...ouch! Also it's never been officially released on DVD, which is understandable because think of it essentially as that embarrassing high school year book picture that you have with your hair in a rat tail and ridiculous birth control glasses on. Now imagine that picture was actually a movie. Would you want other people to see it?

I guess what I'm trying to say is this is pretty much what I expected from the guy who made Ninja Rap...

-Astroboy

Worst Of The Worst: Fads

2010-08-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

Pet Rocks

Whoever invented the Pet Rock is no doubt some sort of dastardly genius, either that or society as a whole during the 70's was completely stupid. Whatever the case for some reason or another people were enamored with the pet for the lazy person. Really the only use for a Pet Rock is a glorified paper weight or make shift weapon.

Furby

I'm still to this day not sure why there was an interest in Furbies since they are essentially the things that nightmares are made of. Essentially an unholy amalgamation of birds and rabbits with terrifying gigantic eyes, that alone should have caused children to wet themselves with fear. To make matters even worse was the fact that they could talk in a weird backwards gibberish. It's like David Lynch had designed a toy...

Tamagotchi

Think of the Tamagotchi as the Pet Rock of the 90's, except more interactive. Obviously aimed at shutting kids up so parents didn't have to get them actual pets that they had to play with, clean up after and feed; with the press of a button you could do all of these glorious mundane things! Eventually however kids either realized that cleaning up digital poop was no fun or that interacting with a digital pet by pressing a button was boring, which led to many a Tamagotchi to die a slow poorly pixelated death.

Pogs

Pogs combined everyones two favorite things! Collecting colorful useless things and then throwing said things at other things! Tons of Pogs were made over the years to collect and then steal from your friends, but after a while the Pog craze became extinct no doubt due to either the great Pokemon uprising or the mass realization that Pogs were just circular pieces of card board.

Chia Pet

The Chia Pet is for folks like me who have horrible luck with actual household plants. They're still around in various forms (like the hilarious Mr. T version above) at Walgreens and places like that, for people who are wandering around on Christmas Eve trying to figure out what to get that cousin that you only see once a year.

To be fair I've owned a few of these and for more hilarious reminders of random fads you can go here (though to be fair I don't consider some of those fads too bad)!

So spill it what's one fad you fell for or miss dearly?

-Astroboy

Martial Arts Movies Vol.8

2010-08-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

Drunken Master

Drunken Master is considered a kung fu classic and rightfully so. Not only was it a break out role for Jackie Chan's long illustrious career, but it also mixed more comedy into martial arts to create a different genre of kung fu. Chan was a former stuntman in Bruce Lee films and after Lee's death was being groomed to essentially be the next Bruce Lee, but after a couple of films that didn't really do well he teamed up with Yuen Woo-Ping who ended up directing him in Drunken Master. During this period he was able to infuse kung fu with comedic timing and impressive stunts which would become his signature.

The storyline isn't really groundbreaking in that Chan plays a relative slacker who often finds himself in trouble, which leads his father to send him off to a martial arts master to give him discipline. Once there he takes off only to run into a bum who is the drunken master. After training Chan's character realizes the secret to his kung fu is getting drunk (obviously). Chan's playfulness shines throughout in that he is more like Buster Keaton or Charlie Chaplin than Bruce Lee. From the look on his face when he is beaten up by a girl to his various drunken boxing styles of kung fu that can veer from elegant to clumsy in a matter of seconds.

Not only is this the introduction of Chan to audiences, but also to a certain extent Yuen Woo-Ping (Woo-Ping and Chan had previously worked on Snake In Eagles Claw together) who would go on to help choregraph everything from The Matrix to Kill Bill and direct a long list of kung fu classics. Woo-Ping shows glimmers of his ambitious complex fight scenes along with mixing physical comedy together into excellent fight scenes that utilizes Chan's loose acrobatic fighting style. Not only did Drunken Master introduce Jackie Chan to the world, but it also had a slew of imitators after it's success along with various sequels. To this day Drunken Master remains a true classic that not only paved the way for Jackie Chan, but also for more light hearted martial arts movies that involved more ambitious choreography and stunt work.

-Astroboy

Upbeat Songs That Are Utterly Depressing

2010-08-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago I was listening to some Talking Heads and doing the dishes when And She Was came on. Some songs I'd never really bothered to learn the lyrics to, this being one of them. I'm sure everyone has a handful of songs they enjoy where they only know the chorus or a random verse. Anyway lately I've been making some upbeat play lists and was going to throw it on one of them when I decided to look up the lyrics on a whim. To my surprise the song with a bouncy happy go lucky beat had lyrics that could be about a girl who commits suicide. It's always weird when artists create a song that has lyrics that are the polar opposite of how they sound. The following are some of my favorites:

The Velvet Underground-Who Loves The Sun: When The Velvet Underground was recording their last album Loaded record execs were pressuring them for radio friendly hits, so apparently Lou Reed decided to playfully write a poppy sounding song with cynical lyrics thrown in. Most of the lyrics are a downer in stark contrast to the light bouncy melody.

Depressing Lyrics: Who loves the sun/Who cares if it is shining/Who cares what it does/Since you broke my heart

The Monkees-Last Train To Clarksville: On the surface Last Train To Clarksville sounds like a standard 60's bubble gum pop song that The Monkees were known for about a guy who wants to see his girl for the last time. However by the end the song takes on a new meaning when the narrator admits: "And I don't know if I'm ever coming home". Apparently Clarksville was an Air Force base and the song is alluding to a soldier shipping off to Vietnam, which obviously adds a sense of dread to an otherwise happy sounding song.

Depressing Lyrics: Cause I'm leavin' in the morning/And I must see you again/We'll have one more night together/'Til the morning brings my train

Neutral Milk Hotel-Holland 1945: It's safe to say that the entirety of In An Aeroplane Over The Sea is a mesmerizing downer. The stand out track for me however is Holland 1945 in which singer Jeff Mangum performs with such impassioned fervor about the senseless tragic death of Anne Frank and her family that it's utterly heartbreaking. Throughout the song moves at such a quick dizzying pace that it's almost easy to overlook the devastating lyrics of a life cut short much too quickly.

Depressing Lyrics: And here's where your mother sleeps. And here's where your new born brothers were born/Indentions in the sheets/Where their bodies once moved but don't move anymore

Smashing Pumpkins-Today: It's easy to overlook the rest of the lyrics when the most memorable lyric is how great today is. I mean that's pretty upbeat, right? The rest of the song though is essentially about suicide in that today is so great because tomorrow won't be around. Ummm...yikes!

Depressing Lyric: Today is the greatest/Day I've ever known/Can't wait for tomorrow/I might not have that long

The Beatles-Tell Me Why: A few songs by The Beatles fall into this category, such as the jaunty ode to serial killing Maxwell's Silver Hammer. Most blatant out of all of these is Tell Me Why in that it keeps that energetic early Beatles sound with lyrics pleading for a second chance despite the main chorus asking "And why you lied to me". So let me get this straight? They want a second chance at love despite being lied to and heartbroken the first time around!? To be fair people probably weren't paying too much attention to the lyrics at the time what with all the screaming.

Depressing Lyric: If there's something I have said or done/Tell me what and I'll apologize/If you don't I really can't go on/Holding back these tears in my eyes

Outkast- Hey Ya: Hey Ya is a perfect example of this. The song is sure to get folks on the dance floor despite parts of the lyrics that focus on a broken relationship. The fact that the beat is so infectious that it overshadows the lyrics and even has Andre 3000 admitting, "Y'all don't want me here you just want to dance".

Depressing Lyrics: So why oh why oh why oh/Why oh why oh why oh/Are we so in denial/When we know we're not happy here

-Astroboy

Sad Moments In Comic Book History: Foreign Films/TV

2010-08-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

Turkish Superman

It seems like for a period of time in the 60's/70's Turkey was pumping out unauthorized movies based on western pop culture left and right. Along with the equally bizarre rip off of Star Wars came the Turkish version of Superman, which has all the special effects of a student film. As you can see above the bulk of it is Superman lazily punching people and getting shot at, along with someone throwing a rock at him. Obviously a low budget cash grab to garner interest from the Christopher Reeves Superman movie, it's still better than Superman III.

Filipino Batman

You know what's been missing from most Batman movies lately? Full on singing and dancing! To be fair this Filipino movie was made as a comedy attempting to spoof on the old 60's Batman TV show (which also had its fair share of dancing), but you have to admit that watching an unmasked mulleted Batman wearing a bat hat dancing and singing along with The Penguin and what I assume is The Joker is a tad...bizarre. Then just to up the WTF factor they inexplicably throw in a midget Spider-Man. Speaking of Spider-Man...

Japanese Spider-Man

In the 70's Marvel made a deal with Japanese company Toei to make a TV show in Japan based on Spider-Man. Oddly enough there was nothing in the contract to state that it had to be like the American version of Spider-Man. So Japanese Spider-Man was a motorcycle racer who gained his powers from a mystical space bracelet and had his own giant mecha-robot that he used to stop his arch-nemesis Professor Monster (seriously!). Obviously most episodes are completely off the wall and surreal, but it's easy to see that Japanese Spider-Man was at least a precursor to the Power Rangers.

Indian Hulk

Where to begin? So apparently someone came up with a Bollywood version of the Hulk...ummm I mean HALKa. Just looking at the CGI in the trailer makes the latest Sy-Fy movie look like an Academy Award nominee for visual effects. On the plus side it does have an elaborate bicycle gatling gun thingee and it doesn't appear to have any singing...though it is Bollywood so you never know when a gamma induced dance number will start up!

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2010-07-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been listening to the newest release by The Books. It's a combination of experimental music littered with samples. Everything from self help records to kids records to telephone conversations play over shifting instrumentals creating a sonically surreal expierence.

Anyway I was checking them out to see if they had any videos or live performances on thee olde interwebs when lo and behold I found the following, which is a cornucopia of utterly bizarre creepiness. In fact it's so randomly weird that it's sort of awesome.

Oh also the entire album is available to check out for free courtesy of NPR right here...

-Astroboy

So He's Got That Going For Him...

2010-07-26T13:43:00.001-07:00

Lot's of people have differing opinions when it comes to various things. One of the few things that most everyone can agree on however is how awesome Bill Murray is. He's just one of those actors that makes a movie better, like Gary Oldman or Christopher Walken.

Well what if I told you that an individual didn't like Bill Murray? You'd probably call me a liar. What if I told you that not only does that individual not like Bill Murray, but thinks that he is infecting America (especially the children) with his perverse/lewd morals and behavior. In fact wants to boycott him due to Bill Murray being a danger to society and all values that we hold dear as a nation?

According to this article someone actually does believe all of those things and does indeed want to boycott Bill Murray. I'd like to think that that was a work of satire, partially because I am skeptical of anything on the intertubes and also because I highly doubt that anyone could actually hate Bill Murray to the point where they see him as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I mean there's so many current things to boycott besides Bill Murray: BP, Justin Bieber, Bruce Willis cologne...I mean the list could go on.

If the author is actually not joking it sounds like they need a reminder of how awesome the power of Bill Murray is:

-Astroboy

Underrated Albums Vol. 34

2010-07-14T12:18:00.001-07:00

The Go! Team
Proof Of Youth

Before we get down to the nitty gritty just take a moment to soak in that cover...I mean Wow! It's not everyday you see a guy on a dirt bike jumping over a wolf with fighter jets flying overhead. In fact that's probably the second coolest album cover I've ever seen (the first being this obviously). The fact is the cover perfectly encapsulates the pieced together sound of The Go! Team in that it sonically resembles those carefully pieced together poster board murals your sister made of the New Kids On The Block from various pictures of Teen Beat. It's a pastiche of genres ranging from old school hip hop to feedback drenched guitars to 70's funk to indie rock all rolled up in a boisterous package.

With The Go! Teams first album they firmly established themselves as a band with frantic upbeat energy that morphed from one song to the next. However if there was one minor gripe I had with the first album it's that after five or six songs it becomes a bit samey. A few years later when Proof of Youth came out they had polished their sound without losing their established style. Instead of relying heavily on samples as they did on their first album The Go! Team focus on primarily using live instruments with samples interspersed. With such tracks as Grip Like A Vice and Doing It Right they mesh everything perfectly with lead singer (if you could call it that) Ninja's school yard chanting fitting along perfectly with the vibe. The addition of horns to tracks like The Wrath of Marcie help add another layer to a band that is already dense. While songs like I Never Needed It Now So Much and Patricia's Moving Picture show a hint of what The Go! Team can achieve by not relying so much on cutesy sing song rhymes and in your face beats, but instead pulling back a little and being more cohesive.

The stand out track though is Keys To The City which begins with a little surf guitar riff that explodes into a swirling controlled chaos of horns and chanting, before a lovely chorus cuts through the bombast. It's a perfect melding of all the styles that The Go! Team bring to the table. If there is one minor complaint that people have is the often jumbled sections of certain tracks that at times over take the vocals or could be considered grating (the same complaint could be made for the first album as well) at times. Overall however The Go! Team comes off with the energy of a sugar addled 6 year old with ADD, but on Proof of Youth starts to show signs of stretching their creative muscle and coming into their own. It's nice to have a band trying new things and it will be interesting to see what their next album will bring.

Essential Tracks: Grip Like A Vice, I Never Needed It Now So Much, Doing It Right, Patricia's Moving Picture, Keys To The City

-Astroboy

#22 Zardoz

2010-07-01T09:00:00.001-07:00

#22: Zardoz

I'm fairly certain that I could watch Zardoz 100 more times and I still would have no idea what the holy fuck happened. It's hands down one of the most convoluted, confusing movie plots that I have ever seen in my entire life. Which leads me to believe that everyone involved with making this movie was either extremely high or had mental problems because I have a hard time believing that at no point during the making of this film someone didn't question what was going on. And believe me there are a lot of questions (some answered and some not): What is Zardoz? Why is Sean Connery in a one piece bathing suit? Why is everyone naked in the future? What's the point of it all?

Honestly I've tried to figure out a way to summarize the plot of Zardoz, but have come to the realization that it is impossible. If your really interested Wikipedia hits random plot points here (and I swear I'm not doing this out of sheer laziness I genuinely have no idea what the hell was going on throughout the entire movie). You see Zardoz is like when you just wake up and sort of lucidly remember bits and pieces of a dream, except what you keep remembering lasts almost two hours and primarily features Sean Connery in his futuristic underwear. Scenes begin and end at will, while characters pop up without any sort of explanation of who they are or why they're important. To make matters worse the entire movie explains everything as if the viewer knows what the hell is going on already.

It seems that between floating rock head deity, the random nudity and the psychedelic shenanigans of the future Zardoz is being presented in a "deep way", when in fact the ultimate reveal of what Zardoz is will make you want to invent a time machine just so you travel back in time to cock punch the director. To avoid spoilers (on the off hand you want to subject yourself to futuristic sci-fi psychedlia) it's this. So yeah...surprisingly it didn't completely fail and critics actually liked it at the time heralding it mainly for its sheer quirkiness. Over the years Zardoz has become a campy cult film and obviously a somewhat peculiar celluloid oddity. Really Zardoz is that rare movie you simply have to experience because no words can do it justice.

In fact the trailer only touches on the cinematic insanity that is...Zardoz!

-Astroboy

I'm Glad This Never Caught On

2010-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Some things just go together: peanut butter and jelly, Han and Chewie, root beer and ice cream. Other things sound like they shouldn't go together, but suprisingly go together like say bacon and chocolate. Other things however should never ever never never ever be combined at all...ever.

Exhibit A:

What We Learned:

-The early 90's was a crazy time period where sadly anything was possible.

-The world will never be ready for line dancing and hip hop to intermingle.

-There's apparently a dance move called the "Roger Rabbit"!?

-Spandex and tassels should never go together when picking an ensemble.

-Just because you repeatedly say the name of the insane dance creation that you are trying to get started doesn't mean it is an actual legitimate thing.

-No hip hop dance should involve jazz hands.

And here I thought Lambada was considered The Forbidden Dance...

-Astroboy

Weird Websites For A Boring Monday

2010-06-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

To lighten up the beginning of a no doubt drab work week I present to you a hodge podge of weird, useless, insanely bizarre websites that should cheer you up...or waste about 5 or 10 minutes of time. Whatever...

Presidential Ham: So some guy decided that he would paint presidential portraits of our nations leaders and forefathers. Nothing weird so far...except each picture has them holding a delicious ham. Why? Who knows, but I figured with the 4th coming up this was semi-patriotic.

Bio-Bak: I can't decide of Bio-Bak is the work of a sheer and utter genius or the complete madness of a crazy person. Essentially use a disembodied hand to scroll across the surreal landscape to find tools for a toolbox that throws up tools and menu bars.

Bea Arthur Mountains Pizza: Remember how a while back I linked up to Selleck Waterfall Sandwich, which featured pictures of Tom Selleck next to a waterfall with a sandwich? Well, back then I joked that you could pretty much take any random famous person/location/food object combination to create an absurd site and well...here ya go.

OMG Laser Guns Pew Pew Pew!: Not only is this one of the greatest names for a site ever, but it's simple. A squirrel flying through space with a laser gun. Click the mouse and he shoots lasers. What more do you want people!?

Purple: Meta joke or just plain lazy? Whatever it is purple is exactly what it says it is and may be one of the most boring websites in the world or at least the most literal.

-Astroboy

Underrated Films Vol. 12

2010-06-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

The Secret Of NIMH

At some point during the late 70's through the 80's Disney animated films began to grow stagnant. In fact for a couple of those years many films were live action (including such classics as Herbie Goes Bananas and *shudder* The Cat From Outer Space) and throughout the 80's the Mouse House put out what some would consider rather mediocre cartoon films compared to the veritable golden age it had previously enjoyed. One of the main reasons Disney struggled in the 80's was the emergence of former Disney animator Don Bluth who decided to form an independent studio after becoming frustrated with Disney's lackluster handling of animated films. Bluth had a string of hits throughout the 80's with An American Tail, The Land Before Time and All Dogs Go To Heaven coming back to back to back. However it's Bluth's first film that stands out as one of his masterpieces.

Secret of NIMH focuses on the story of Mrs. Brisby, a field mouse who must move her house from a field due to plowing season coming. The only problem it that one of her sons is sick and if he goes outside the medication he is taking will kill him. So Mrs. Brisby attempts to find a way to move her home out of harms way by searching for a group of rats who were former lab rats who have become intelligent after being experimented on to help her. NIMH takes the basics of Disney films (talking animals, wacky side kick etc.), but focuses on darker story elements along with animation that works in tandem with the tone of the movie. After some scenes it's almost surprising that NIMH didn't receive a PG rating (in fact I saw the cover to the DVD recently and it is surprisingly kid friendly looking with bright colors).

It's this dark tone that permeates throughout that adds to the tension of scenes. From the haunting introduction of head rat Nicodemus to the frantic scenes of Mrs. Brisby in the farm house and the rain soaked finale, NIMH does an excellent job straddling the line between kids movie and presenting scenes that were filled with suspense and impressively adult. It's this tone that Disney films around that time seemed to lack (though in the golden age of Disney films they had undoubtedly created and perfected it) and even tried to mimic to a certain degree a few years later with The Black Cauldron.

When The Secret of NIMH came out in 1982 it did modestly at the box office and had a smattering of support from critics. However most of that was overshadowed by E.T., which is rather ironic since Bluth would later team up with Spielberg to create the popular An American Tail and The Land Before Time. However the most important aspect that Bluth brought to the table was that he gave Disney something they never had before...competition, which led to a renaissance in the late 80's and early 90's for Disney. By the time the 90's rolled around Bluth tried to keep up, but with the reestablishment of Disney followed by the rise of Pixar he put out a few forgettable films (Rock-A-Doodle, Anastasia, Titan A.E.) that either did poorly in theaters or went straight to DVD. Overall The Secret of NIMH is an overlooked little film that heralded not just a brief changing of the guard in animation, but also was the beginning of a run of films that helped re-energize not just Disney but animation as a whole.

-Astroboy

Highly Illogicall

2010-06-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

It's time for a confession...

*Sigh*

For the past few months I've had to come to terms that I actually enjoy Tik Tok by Kei$ha (just typing that dollar sign made my soul hurt). The only way I can rationalize this is that the hook is great. Other than that there is no rational explanation why I like it. The lyrics are inane and cliche. She doesn't really sing per se...and did I mention that dollar sign in her name? I caught her performance on SNL a few months back and I can honestly say that I have seen karoke singers who sang better and had more stage prescene. I'm about 98% certain that Tik Tok will be a one hit wonder in a few years joining the plethora of artists who were able to make that one song, but failed to follow up with anything else. Despite all the negatives out weighing the positives when I rationally look at the big picture...I still like it for some reason.

With all that out of the way...about a year ago I noted my indifference to Star Trek, well who knew that if you combined the two it would result in random hilarity:

Truly the universe is a mysterious place...

-Astroboy

The Possiblities Are Endless

2010-06-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

The next SyFy movie? Perhaps...

According to this here article the SyFy Channel (the channel solely responsible for Lorenzo Lamas paychecks) has decided to let you the viewer create the next low budget craptastic film for them. Of course these are the folks who brought us such films as Dinoshark and Mansquito so the bar is raised rather high. However if you think about it ...my god the films that could get made! I mean here's some just off the top of my head:

-Grizzlysauraus Rex

-Piranha Hawk

-Radioactive Cannibal Mutant Bees from Space

-Attack of the 100 Foot Vampire Yeti

-Robotter

-Snaketopus

-Koala Raptor

To make things easier some genius created a shirt that also acts as a sci-fi movie name generator!

So get cracking Internet! That script about laser eyed zombie monkeys vs. alien cyborg mollusks starring Mr. T and Abe Vigoda as partners in zoology who just so happen to be trained by the CIA ain't gonna write itself!

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2010-06-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

First off let me just begin by apologizing for what you are about to witness. Seriously I had completely consciously pushed this song out of my memory, until I stumbled across it a few days ago. I'm fairly certain that if you are pregnant, are quick to anger, have a heart condition, easily get songs stuck in your head or are prone to depression that you should not watch the video below.

However if you like repetition and plants...well then this is the video for you!

With all that out of the way I present to you...THE MOST ANNOYING SONG IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!

-Astroboy

Let's End This Week Off Right

2010-06-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting Ye Olde Blog as of late mainly due to the randomness of life in general. However with the weekend quickly approaching let us celebrate the end of yet another week in the only logical way I can think of at the moment: Through a disco cover of a minor hit complete with awesomely cheesy video!

After that I can't tell if the tears coming from my eyes are from laughter or sheer awe of what I just witnessed. No doubt a little of both...

-Astroboy

#23 Night of the Lepus

2010-05-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

#23: Night of the Lepus

In the B-movie hey day of the 50's pretty much anything could mutate into a terrifying killing machine. Grasshoppers, women, ants...you name it really. By the 70's however these kinds of cliched sci-fi drive in movies were all but gone, soon to be replaced by the mid-70's horror revival of Jaws. Which brings us to the head scratchingly weird film Night of the Lepus, which features mutated killer man eating rabbits. In all honesty Night of the Lepus may have worked if it was approached as a spoof of 50's B-movies, but instead for some reason the director decided that a film that features cannibal bunnies should be presented as seriously as possible.

The film focuses on the Cole ranch where rabbits have suddenly taken over due to coyotes in the area being killed off. Not wanting to needlessly harm them and further affect the wildlife Cole seeks out some scientists who throw some rabbits into some garbage cans (this scene actually occurs) and do some tests. The scientists daughter falls in love with a test bunny and unwittingly lets it out into the wild, only to have it procreate faster into adorable rabbits who crave human flesh! After the rabbits escape from a cave that our heroes try to dynamite, they destroy a town. In a last ditch attempt to kill the rabbits they were trying to avoid killing before they mutated them, they decide to herd them towards some train tracks that are electrocuted.

Obviously a film about killer rabbits is not meant to be high end cinema, but even the way the rabbits are presented is groan inducing. Mostly they are rabbits that are lazily hopping over miniature towns or in some scenes people dressed like rabbits pouncing on their victims. Also the scenes of close ups of rabbits baring their front teeth with ketchup smeared on their faces are simply depressing, while occasionally have the bunnies roar like lions is confusing to say the least. Oh and one more thing...NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY RABBITS ARE NOT SCARY AND/OR TERRIFYING AT ALL IN THE SLIGHTEST!!!

It should come as little to no surprise that the director had never shot a horror/science fiction movie ever and mostly worked with Western films, since most of Night of the Lepus feels like a fucked up western with rabbits. A telling sign that the studio may have not been confident in the film is the fact that all promo material mentioned no rabbits or showed them whatsoever, in what could be considered worst case of studio trickery next to The Happening. Simply the concept alone should put Night of the Lepus in consideration for this list, but the combination of seriously shot ridiculous plot, hammy acting and not-so special effects seals the deal.

-Astroboy

Underrated Films Vol.11

2010-05-18T10:49:00.001-07:00

Equilibrium

A friend of mine once called Equilibrium one of the best films that no one has seen. No doubt that's a slight exaggeration, but it's fair to say that Equlibrium never found the right audience when it briefly came into theaters in 2002. Part of this was due to bad reviews, while the other part was due to a limited release by the studio. To be fair there's nothing new in Equilibrium's concept, however it's able to create an interesting story by blending these familiar concepts into something wholly enjoyable as far as action films remain. It's pretty easy to see that Equilibrium is indebted as much to Fahrenheit 451 or 1984 as much as to The Matrix or Blade Runner.

The plot takes place after World War III in a new nation of Liberia where emotions are outlawed. This is mainly due because past societies have fallen/failed due to emotional outbursts. To quell the populace the government issues a drug called Prozia II that regulates emotional levels in humans. Christian Bale plays John Preston who is essentially a cop who polices individuals who do not comply with the order to take Prozia II and also destroys found works of art (books, paintings, etc.) that may elicit any sort of emotion. It's only when Preston fails to take his daily Prozia II that his emotions start coming back, which leads him to question the world around him and find an underground resistance who want to stop the government oppression and take back emotions.

To make matters more interesting the filmmakers introduce the unfortunately named, but cool looking, fighting style dubbed Gun Kata. The main gist of Gun Kata is that when the body is positioned in certain poses it wills the user to know where the bullet will go depending on the pose they end up in. Think of it as kung fu with firearms. It's a cool concept that is presented in stylish enthusiastic fight scenes that are highly choreographed.

However that's the baffling thing about Equilibrium is that one would think that with the mixture of all the right elements (sci-fi, dystopian future, noir, action flick) it would have been a bigger draw at the box office. Needless to say along with the limited release that at the time pre-Batman Christan Bale wasn't really packing them into theaters either. Also it was probably overshadowed by the glut of prestige Oscar pics that get released during the holidays (LotR: The Two Towers came out a few weeks after too). When it comes to all out action movies now a days it's rare to see any that have anything relevant to say plot wise (GI Joe, Transformers 2) and Equilibrium is a low budget under the radar flick that presents not just frenetic fighting, but also a plot that has substance.

-Astroboy

Worst Of The Worst: NES Accessories

2010-05-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's fairly obvious to state that Nintendo has done an excellent job of revolutionizing the video game world. However with every technological advancement in gaming that Nintendo has achieved there are also some rather forgetful advancements . In the early years of NES many second and third parties came out with their own NES accessories (everything from joysticks to game genies to NES locks), so much stuff came out looking to capitalize on the NES popularity that Nintendo also put out some less than stellar accessories, all with the official Nintendo seal of quality.

Power Glove

What It Promised: To revolutionize everything you thought you knew about playing video games...in glove form!

In Reality: The Power Glove is the 800 pound gorilla in the room when it comes to NES accessories, mainly because it was over hyped so much that there was no way it could possibly succeed. With movies and dystopian commercials that heralded it as the futuristic advancement in gaming. What it failed to mention between shots of kids confidently swinging their arms to control games with ease was that in reality that fancy looking keypad wasn't just for show. Which meant you had to actually punch the fucking buttons in the correct order before you moved your arm causing you to waste time and get your ass handed to you by pretty much any game. This led to millions of kids no doubt first hard learned lesson that life can be a frigid unfair lying bitch.

Laser Scope

What It Promised: Not having to use your hands to play games but instead the power of your voice all while wearing a badass headset!

In Reality: This ad was on the back of an obscene amount of comic books in the 90's preying on the hope that young kids would see it and think, "Woah, lasers and a headset? Sign me up!" Basically the Laser Scope was a glorified head mounted light gun that probably looked sweet to anyone 10 and under...Oh, and it worked for only one game! Another thing that the ad failed to mention is that since it's voice activated if your dog barks or Mom loudly calls you for dinner or any noise is made at all it'll randomly shoot. No doubt many a parent shelled out fifty bucks on this for an hour or two of actual game play before their kid got tired of it.

R.O.B.

What It Promised: A robot friend who will play video games with you, just like you always dreamed of!

In Reality: The cold hard fact of the matter is that R.O.B. (or Robotic Operating Buddy) was primarily created to convince the US market that the NES was a toy for children. You see most stores didn't really understand what the fuck a Nintendo was and didn't want to chance selling it, since it was relatively expensive. So Nintendo packaged the first few waves of NES as bundles with R.O.B. to convince stores that the NES was in fact geared towards kids. While most kids no doubt fantasized of playing alongside their new robot buddy, the fact of the matter is R.O.B. mostly spun and stacked shit. Also R.O.B. could only be played with Gyromite and Stack Up, which I'm pretty sure no kid in their right mind actually enjoyed playing.

Roll N' Rocker

What It Promised: It says right on the box, "You Become The Directional Pad"!

In Reality: As radical as it may seem to be able to move around to control your character the simple fact is that you're just shifting your weight left and right, while awkwardly holding a NES controller. Now this is just me but it seems like this would make playing a game both more embarrassing and stupid. Also I can only speculate that if someone who is over 100 pounds attempted to use the Roll N' Rocker that it would be completely destroyed in minutes.

Speed Board

What It Promised: You'd be able to push buttons faster and completely dominate games!

In Reality: Speed Board is hands down the most shoddy moronic product that Nintendo has stood behind since it is essentially just a piece of plastic that holds your controller. Listen if you're too lazy to hold your fucking controller you have no business playing video games. Also for a cheaper alternative for a Speed Board simply use a phone book! They're free and it's not like you're using it anyway...

-Astroboy