Friday, May 29, 2009

Dance Moves That Never Caught On



What It Was:
Da Butt was off a single courtesy of E.U. The main objective of said dance or "doing the butt" involved simply shaking your butt around (or according to the song putting your backfield in motion). Once you've successfully accomplished booty movement you have successfully done Da Butt.

Why It Never Caught On:
To be fair people have been moving their butts around to music for hundred and thousands of years so when Da Butt came out it really wasn't that ground breaking. Also anyone can shake their ass around, so there was little to no challenge. However E.U. did pioneer ass-oriented songs leading to such classics as Rump Shaker, Shake Your Ass and Baby Got Back.


What It Was: At first listen Digital Undergrounds classic Humpty Dance appears to be simply be allusive bragging about sexual conquests, however by the middle of the song Humpty explains what the dance entails starting with "a limp to the side like my legs broken" and later notes that it should "...look like a fit or convulsion".

Why It Never Caught On: Mainly due to vagueness as Humpty later notes it could involve, "Humpin, funkin, jumpin, jig around, shake ya rump...", with no indication as to what order it should come in (I mean even the Macarena had rules to follow). Humpty even admits that, "No two people will do it the same", which ultimately means the Humpty Dance is like a snowflake and that any sort of dancing could essentially qualify as the Humpty Dance.

Dumb Dancing

What It Is: On the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Will Smith introduced Dumb Dancing which incorporated any type of dance moves you could think of except there was only one rule: you had to have a serious face while you were doing it.

Why It Never Caught On: No doubt due to the name of the dance and also because it was overshadowed by the far superior The Carlton Dance.


Superbowl Shuffle

What It Is: During the legendary 1985 season where the Chicago Bears would go on to dominate and win the Superbowl they came out with this rap video complete with their own dance move the Superbowl Shuffle, which involved simply shuffling back and forth to the rhythm of the music.

Why It Never Caught On: Out of all these dance moves this one did catch on like wild fire for a bit, but over time it was simply too easy. I mean it took no skill at all to do or learn. Everyone could shuffle in time: white people, old people, toddlers etc.

The Bartman

What It Is: With the introduction of The Simpsons came our brief infatuation with young hellraiser Bart Simpson which led to mass production out the yin-yang. From dolls to collectors cards to knock off Mexican Bart Simpson T-shirts from Tijuana (my father actually bought me one as a kid) it seemed like Bartmania couldn't be stopped. Hence of course having his own song/dance move that involved moving your body, "Front to back in a rock like motion" and "Moving your hips from side to side". It also instructed you to, "Shake your body turn it out if you can man".

Why It Never Caught On: Fads can be a harsh mistress. By the time The Bartman was introduced it quickly got replaced by the likes of Too Legit To Quit *(which wasn't even really a dance move, but more like a hand jive). Also after the first season The Simpsons started being less about commercialism and more about quality hilarious episodes, even making fun of The Bartman in later episodes. Finally The Bartman was pretty awful seeing as all the dance moves they suggested were generic.

*Let it be noted that the video for Too Legit To Quit is very WTF involving a fireball shooting James Brown among other things...

-Astroboy

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Redneck Olympics




So today I stumbled across this here article and I can't decide which is weirder that there is actually a Redneck Games or that last year a boy lost his arm at the Redneck Games (there's a tasteless Jeff Foxworthy joke in there somewhere). Apparently the Games have been somewhat of a yearly event started back in 1996 to coincide with the Summer Olympics in Atlanta and it caught on faster than a greased pig in heat on a slip n' slide (or something to that effect).


Past games have featured such down south events as cigarette tossing, mud pit belly flop, dumpster diving, bobbing for pigs feet, redneck horseshoes (that involve toilet seats) and something called armpit serenade. However might I suggest some other potential events:

-Duelin' Banjos

-Hooch Off

-You Might Be A Redneck If... Competition

-Pig Beauty Pageant

-Shit Kick-A-Thon

-Hoedown Throwdown

-Kissin' Cousins Booth


And those are just off the top of my head! On a positive note all proceeds go to charity, so that kind of justifies having a stereotypical redneck version of the Olympics since it goes to a good cause. If you want more information, want to watch a Redneck Games video or want proof that this is a real thing you can go here.


-Astroboy

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Hard Hitting Robot News

With all the various news stories being brought to us it's hard to focus on what exactly to be scared of on a daily basis. Well kudos to MSNBC for answering the tough burning question that has no doubt been in the back of human beings minds for too long by printing this article.

Forget the ongoing war over seas, gay marriage rights or even all the corporate scandals that have been popping up on a regular basis! All the other news corporations can cover those, right? No instead here is an article that revolves around the question, "What if the new Terminator movie actually happened"? While then interviewing an author/robotist who wrote a funny satirical book about surviving a robot uprising (actually the book is quite hilarious) and delivering it as news...Really!?

After reading the article I can't tell if the questions are meant to be serious or ironically plugging the book or making fun of robot uprisings. Wasn't there other news today that MSNBC could report? I mean a new Supreme Court Justice was chosen today that should count as valid news or something right? *Sigh* As a follow up they should include:

-Astroboy

Thursday, May 21, 2009

#29 The Skateboard Kid

#29: The Skateboard Kid

When it comes to plotting a stereotypical kids movie from the 80's-90's era one or more of the following elements more than likely apply:

1. Outcast kid looks to fit in/become popular

2. Said kid gets bullied or Evil guy tries to take control of something special to main character

3. Something "magical" occurs

4. Whatever magical wacky occurrence happens helps the main character overcome adversity

The Skateboard Kid follows all of these rules to a T and is a prime example that kids will watch anything. In this case a kid and his Dad move to a new town. In said town there are both skateboarding bullies and a smarmy evil guy who owns the towns used car lot. Of course the kid gets hassled by the bullies and finds a skateboard in an antique shop that he decides to soup up to impress the bullies...I guess. Souping up the skateboard involves putting a motor on it and adding bits of metal all over it to make it look cooler (hey it was the early 90's).

Of course the skateboard is struck by lightning and comes to life. By comes to life I mean that it talks courtesy of the late great Dom DeLuise. Oh, it can also fly and play baseball. As you can imagine the rest of the movie involves the magical skateboard making wise cracks, getting revenge on the bullies in various humorous ways, and trying to stop the evil car dealer guy from knocking down the antique store.

Really The Skateboard Kid is more a form of child abuse than actual child entertainment. What's worse than a magical talking skateboard movie you may ask? The sequel.

-Astroboy

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Weird Site Wenesday

The web is filled with helpful, interesting information. Of course it's also chock full of pointless, strange, downright idiotic time wasters. Feel free to categorize the following sites under the latter!

Paint Dry: This site finally takes the age old adage that, "So and so is about as fun as watching paint dry" literally. A web cam has been set up of a freshly painted room that allows visitors to watch paint dry. What could possibly make this site more exciting? What if I told you that you can switch from 3 different camera angles! Yeah, I didn't think that would help...

Psychic Puppy: Why spend money on actual psychics when you can just have an adorable psychic puppy give you advice through digital fortune cookies, tarot cards or Bio-rhythms! For example I found out that in a past life I was Sylvia Platt-Lounge Singer...which is kind of confusing. Sadly out of all of these Psychic Puppy is probably the most useful (and I use the term lightly).

Virtual Stapler: You know how much fun it is to staple things? The only problem is all those wasted staples...if only there was an easier way to enjoy the act of stapling without actually stapling! Well our prayers have been answered in the form of Virtual Stapler! The easy to use pointless no hassle way to staple without the mess! It's easy just:
1. Choose one of three stapler designs
2. Click on said stapler repeatedly to mimic actually stapling
3. Ponder how you will never get the minute of your life you just wasted back

Dress Your Gay Dog: Finally a flash game that allows you to make dogs look more homosexual by dressing them up in stereotypical fabulous looking outfits. Thank you Internet!

Shave Your Yeti: So you've watched paint dry, had your tarot reading done by a dog, pretended to staple and dressed a canine up in garish clothing? What could there possibly be left to do? Why shave a yeti of course! Simply scroll the electric razor across the mythical beast to reveal man boobs and what I imagine Rush Limbaugh would look like half naked.


-Astroboy

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Nerdy Confession..Of Sorts

When it comes to certain things I can be an uber-dork. I know the stories behind almost every song by The Beatles. I own all the Simpsons DVD's that have come out. I have in my possession somewhere along the lines of 30 or 40 pounds of comics. I have had an argument about who would win in a race The Flash or Superman (FYI it would be The Flash). This is not bragging in anyway, I am simply trying to offer these examples as a sort of dork gauge if you will. You see while I do have some nerd like qualities there are some things that fall beyond the realm of sheer and utter dorkery even for me...the guy who has an extensive Incredible Hulk collection (including Incredible Hulk bubble bath).

In this realm lies things like Magic Cards, D&D, and WoW. I have tried all of these things at least once and I'm sorry, but it's just too geeky for me (though now that I think about it perhaps I have some sort of unconscious aversion to fantasy role playing type games). The thing that surprises most people however is my indifference to Star Trek. Most people simply assume that since I worked at a comic store for a few years and that I like some nerdy things that I am a Star Trek fan...but I'm not. I don't like it really at all.

Which is weird because since the movie has come out EVERYONE has gone to see it...and I mean EVERYONE (my girlfriend even saw it and liked it). And I have been bombarded with the inevitable question of, "Did you see the new Star Trek movie"? To which my response has been, "No, I don't really like Star Trek". Which then leads to a confused blank stare, which leads me to have to justify my disinterest.

Don't get me wrong I have tried to get into Star Trek. I've watched a few episodes from almost every series and seen almost all of the movies (even the one with the whales), but for some reason or another I just can't get into it at all. The cheesy acting of the original, the boring-is-anything-going-to-happen-at-all of Next Generation, the movies that were OK but nothing phenomenal. Even when I saw the trailer for the new one with CG monsters, JJ Abrams and explosions (and I love me some 'splosions!) I was just sort of...meh!

So there you go for some reason me and Star Trek don't click. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not as big of a nerd as I originally thought I was...

-Astroboy

Friday, May 15, 2009

Shufflin' Towards The Weekend

Bad Obsession-Guns N' Roses: Both Use Your Illusion I & II were the first albums that I fell in love with for better or worse. Some tracks are painfully not that great, but I still have both albums memorized lyrically. This track has got a bluesy barroom feel complete with harmonica. Whenever I hear any of these albums it takes me back to many a summer mowing the yard in the sweltering heat with a comically large silver Sanyo tape player attached to my belt.

I Think I Smell A Rat-The White Stripes: Whenever I listen to some White Stripes songs they can be technically so simplistic, but the end result is catchy as hell...such as this one for example.

Give Me A Beat-Girl Talk: When listening to Girl Talk it's akin to listening to some sort of musical mad scientist in the way he layers, samples and switches various tracks from artists as varied as Tom Petty to Ice Cube. It's almost like combining two foods that should be disgusting, but taste delicious. Anyway go here to see all the samples that make up this particular track.

Take The Picture Off-RJD2: Deadringer is a fun little album and this is simply a minute long cut of RJD2 doing some scratching.

Easejimi-Nightmares On Wax: This is off a really great underrated electronic album that is a combination of laid back jazz (horns mostly) and minimalist beats (usually boom baps). It sounds to me like what I imagine futuristic jazz should sound like.

Positive Contact-Deltron 3030: If I've said it once, I'll say it again: "Will someone please make this album into a hip-hop sci fi futuristic post apocalyptic anime soon...please"?

The Beatles-Penny Lane: This was off the first Beatles album I ever purchased which was Magical Mystery Tour. I'm usually pretty indifferent when it comes to Paul songs, but this one is quite nice because it reminds me of visiting home for some reason.

Crosshairs-Dangerdoom: I had super high expectations when this album came out. I mean MF Doom + Adult Swim X Danger Mouse should = mind bogglinly awesome. However you know how you build up how cool something is going to be in your mind and when you finally watch/hear it you've built it up so much that it could never even remotely be as awesome as you imagined it. That's exactly what happened with Dangerdoom for me...it wasn't "Oh my God this is the best thing ever" but "Eh, this was OK...I guess".

Hot Love-T. Rex: For me T. Rex is the perfect mixture of over the top 70's rock combined with sort of cheesy hippyish leanings. Half of this song is just a bunch of people yelling La-La- La-Lalalala and it still exudes sheer coolness. Below you can see a live version complete with over the top tambourine playing goodness.

Beck-Orphans: This was off the last Beck album, which I haven't really given that much of a chance. I've listened to it all the way through once or twice and been sort of...Eh. I mean it's good, but it's not really Beck good (which I'm sure makes little to zero sense at all). I'll probably give it another chance and who knows maybe it will click.


-Astroboy

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Underrated Albums Vol. 25



Supergrass
I Should Coco


In the mid-90's there was a second sort of mini British Invasion that flooded the music industry in the wake of grunge fallout. 1995 in general saw a glut of snotty energetic British indie rockers come out with some pretty great stuff. Albums from bands like Pulp to Blur to Elastica were released at the same time, along with Supergrass's debut. With so many British releases it's relatively easy to see how some would get lost in the shuffle. Another more obvious factor is that 1995 was the same year that a little British band named Oasis put out (What's The Story) Morning Glory?, which featured the radio heavy ballad Wonderwall. Love them or hate them it's hard to ignore the fact that Oasis pretty much overshadowed most of the previously mentioned Brit bands that year, including Supergrass.


Which is a shame because their debut I Should Coco is an upbeat rambunctious burst of carefree swagger. The album barrels right out of the gate with I'd Like To Know, beginning with a screaming count off that explodes into a dizzying wall of sound that is counterbalanced by sweet oooh's and la la la's. Supergrass keeps that frantic youthful energetic style peppered throughout the album with tracks like Caught By The Fuzz, Strange Ones and She's So Loose. However the albums not all distorted garage rock with tracks like Sofa (Of My Lethargy), Time To Go and We're Not Supposed To. The latter a playful weird little ditty with sped up vocals and the first two obviously indebted to The Beatles and The Kinks respectively.


The real standout however is Alright, a three minute song that perfectly encapsulates the joy of being young, bored and careless. From the instantly catchy jangle of the piano, to the matter of fact lyrics, right down to the simple no frills guitar solo Alright is an infectiously giddy feel good slice of Brit pop and an obvious highlight of the album. Luckily since their stellar debut Supergrass has (and still do) consistently put out solid albums. For my money though I Should Coco remains an overshadowed gem.


Essential Tracks:
I'd Like To Know, Alright, Strange Ones, Sofa (Of My Lethargy), Time To Go




-Astroboy

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

They Had Me At Mega Shark

Watching the following trailer for the upcoming movie Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus* has brought a tear to my eye...though I can't tell if it's a tear of joy or shame:



So lets recap shall we:

-A prehistoric shark and octopus have been frozen in battle only to be re thawed in the future (aka: the present).

-Did I mention both prehistoric animals are HUMONGOUS!!!

-Debbie...sorry Deborah Gibson...is still sort of relevant I guess and plays a scientist.

-Mega Sharks common enemies are: Giant Octopus, bridges and airplanes

-Giant Octopuses common enemies are: Mega Shark, submarines and oil rigs

-Both share a common enemy in Lorenzo Lamas

Is there a word to describe being both excited and repulsed about something. If there is then that describes exactly how I feel about this movie! I'm sure it will be a love/hate relationship in that I'll love to hate it...or something like that.

*It should be noted that after yesterdays post and today's post I have officially filled my quota of presenting you with ______ VS. _________ for the rest of the year.

-Astroboy

Monday, May 11, 2009

An Age Old Question Revealed!

There are many questions that have plagued human kind for generations:

-Why are we here?

-What is the meaning of life?

-Is there a higher power that exists to guide us?

-Who would win in a fight plants or zombies?

Well now after all this time one of these questions has been answered in the form of a music video:




So there you have it Plants Vs. Zombies is a new video game where plants must protect us from the walking undead (which sort of makes sense because plants don't have brains). Hmmm cute cartoon zombie fighting cartoony looking plants from Japan AND there are zombie dolphins in swimming pools.

Where do I sign up?

-Astroboy

Friday, May 8, 2009

Worst of the Worst: Hip Hop Album Covers

Criminal Element: Hit 'Em Where It Hurt


Apparently the best visual metaphor to explain the music on this album is some sort of rabid dog train. In case the whole locomotive canine hybrid didn't paint a vivid enough picture to the consumer a flying car along with a race horse (!?) were photo shopped in as an after thought. Luckily they also found room for some typical gangsta posturing to complete the overall weirdness of this cover collage.

Big Bear: Doin Thangs

It's a typical hip hop tradition to have some sort of album cover where the lead MC sits in front of a table of money/guns/bling/drugs looking menacing and suave, while some hoes in skimpy clothes hang around them to show the artists true street cred. Big Bear obviously decided to go a different route by replacing the honeys with a pimpalicious posse of bears in silk robes smoking blunts with sunglasses on...to each his own I guess.

Three 6 Mafia: The End

As you can see here the Three 6 Mafia are coming to destroy earth on top of a car with some sort of jet engines attached to it...or something. My favorite thing is the guy hanging from the well placed pole behind all of them posing. Just to remind you, these guys won an Oscar.

NHC: Respect The Game (Boot Life)

Nothing says OG like living in a giant blinged out boot in the middle of the swamp. To up the WTF quotient they also have a crocodile that they have captured using gold chains.

Lil' Flip: The Leprechaun

What's the exact opposite of gangster? Um, dressing up like a leprechaun and basing your cover on a sugary kids cereal I would imagine. Actually I do believe this one speaks for itself.

-Astroboy

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Irrational Viewing Habits Explained

Over the past few weeks I have been mesmerized by the trailer for the X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie. Now this really should not come as a surprise because I am a pretty nerdy guy, but here's the troubling thing I KNOW that it isn't going to be good. You see usually when I see a preview for a movie I can tell by the end if it looks completely horrendous, is something that I'll wait and rent or is something that I have to see in theaters.

So if I am fairly confident that it is going to be disappointing then why do I get giddy as an 8 year old on Christmas morning when I watch the trailer?

It's simple. The rational (rather cynical) side of my brain says, "Good god that looks like a typical over hyped summer movie with slick CGI to cover the thin plot and stilted dialogue". While the other more base impulse of my brain goes, "Whoa Wolverine just totally clawed that fucking helicopter in the air". You see a friend of mine put it perfectly in that sometimes you want to view something that numbs the mind and that you have to make zero to no effort in thinking about what's going on. Essentially you just go with it and preferably it has explosions.

You don't have to tell me that something like Transformers 2 will be bloated and predictable...I don't care in the slightest because there will be robots fighting. I'm actually excited to see GI Joe this summer even though I know it's not going to win any awards or teach me anything useful. It's like owning a really nice looking car that gets shitty gas mileage or something. The equivalent of eating comfort food in that you know it's not that good for you, but you still love it to death.

That's why when Dead Pool cuts a bullet in half and it kills two guys behind him one side of my brain responds with, "YES! THAT IS AWESOME! I AM TOTALLY WATCHING THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF THAT", while the other side is rolling it's eyes.


-Astroboy

Monday, May 4, 2009

Things I Learned...



...this weekend at the Kentucky Derby:


-9 people can fit comfortably in a hotel room.


-The best way to smuggle liquor inside.


-If you set up a Whiskey Slip N' Slide random people will slide down it.


-Mint Juleps are pretty disgusting.


-Derby scavenger hunts are pretty awesome.


-It's pronounced Lou-uh-vulle.


-Try to avoid the Port O' Potties after 7pm (trust me).


-Apparently there was a horse race or something.


In all seriousness it was a successful trip and was pretty awesome. A friend told me it's like a combination state fair and small contained Mardi Gras in the infield, which is true. I saw things that were hilarious, awesome, horrifying...really a little of everything. Watching the races was pretty amazing too, since we were fairly close to one of the final turns and got to the fence early to witness the big show (those horses are gorgeous). The lines for betting were f-ing long and I was fairly tipsy, so I skipped placing down any money and instead had a few more drinks and wandered around taking it all in. Seriously the people watching alone is worth the price of admission.


All in all an enjoyable weekend!


-Astroboy

Friday, May 1, 2009

Off To The Races

Well later today I'm off to that grand tradition of horses racing around a track. Of course I'm talking about The Kentucky Derby! I've heard that it is something that everyone should experience at least once in their lifetime, so me and a handful of friends are going down for a whirlwind weekend of fun and no doubt a bit of debauchery.

In honor of the impending weekend (and because I'm feeling a bit lazy, along with needing to pack) here is a classic Disney short:

-Astroboy